El Jalapeño: Guest who said ‘bueno, ya me voy’ at 9:14 p.m. reaches front gate at 1:37 a.m.

All stories in El Jalapeño are satire and not real news. Check out the original article here. MEXICO CITY — Local resident Eduardo Ramírez made significant progress toward departing a dinner party Thursday night, successfully reaching the host’s iron front gate at 1:37 a.m., roughly four hours and 23 minutes after executing his opening farewell statement at 9:14 p.m. According to witnesses, Ramírez, 34, began the departure protocol by standing up, patting his knees, and uttering the traditional phrase “bueno, ya me voy.” The action immediately triggered a standard defensive maneuver from the host, who insisted that leaving before sampling a freshly brewed pot of café de olla and a final slice of flan would constitute a breach of basic hospitality. Ramírez was expecting to be obligated to consume only one café de olla, not two. (Sergio Hayashi/Shutterstock) “I made the tactical error of standing up while still within three meters of the dining table,” Ramírez later explained, noting he had then been trapped in a deep conversation regarding a distant cousin’s apartment renovation. “Once the host offered the second coffee, I knew my projected arrival at home was no longer possible.” Ramírez’s exit operation hit several predictable logistical bottlenecks. Between 10:15 p.m. and 11:30 p.m., for example, he entered the mandatory individual farewell round, which required separate physical goodbyes, three distinct inquiries into the health of extended family members, and a full exchange of local news with each of the 12 attendees. The situation further stalled at 12:45 a.m. near the hallway mirror, when a chance comment about upcoming weekend plans prompted a 45-minute debate on optimal driving routes. Ramírez was last observed with his hand on the front door handle, locked in a crucial discussion about a reliable mechanic while his host held open the front gate to ensure he did not leave without taking some leftovers. Check out our Jalapeño archive here. Got an idea for a Jalapeño article? Email us with your suggestions!