EastEnders is a snoozefest with bosses racing through stars like a red-flag bloke swipes Tinder dates – it MUST change

I HAVE two great loves in life – politics . . . and EastEnders. But unfortunately, it’s Westminster that has had all the nail-biting drama recently as Britain’s favourite soap has gone off the boil. A 1998 Corrie storyline saw Deirdre Rachid (Anne Kirkbride) wrongfully jailed for credit card fraud Credit: Granada Television Phil Mitchell kisses his brother Grant’s wife Sharon (Letitia Dean) Credit: BBC Things have got so bad that one disgruntled fan has even set up a petition demanding the Government intervene and sack one of the BBC programme’s executive producers. Parliament has refused the tongue-in-cheek request. It is not proper government business, apparently! Although having sat through my fair share of dreary House of Commons debates, I suspect that a ding-dong about EastEnders would attract more public interest than whether or not Cramlington needs a new roundabout. And it would not be the first time politicians have intervened in our soaps. Remember back in 1998, when Coronation Street ran a storyline which saw Deirdre Rachid (Anne Kirkbride) wrongfully jailed for credit card fraud? Fans were so outraged they protested outside a prison and petitioned their MPs to “Free the Weatherfield One”. They even got then-Prime Minister Tony Blair to call for her release. Savvy bosses at Corrie heeded the request and Deirdre eventually walked free from prison and returned to the cobbles. And no, it was not thanks to an early prisoner release scheme! New evidence came to light that cleared her. But back to EastEnders. As a huge fan of the show, I am in despair. It has lost its grit, its edge, its drama. Those famous doof-doofs have become dud-duds. EastEnders used to be brilliant, with fearless matriarchs like Peggy Mitchell (Barbara Windsor) and Pat Butcher (Pam St Clement) and scheming hardmen like Phil Mitchell (Steve McFadden) and Dirty Den (Leslie Grantham). Christmas isn’t Christmas without the EastEnders cliffhanger and some sordid affair being exposed or a ne’er-do-well getting their comeuppance. I still think June Brown, who played the indomitable Dot Cotton for 35 years, was the finest actor of her generation. She could say more with a single drag on her cigarette and an arch of her eyebrows than most actors say in dozens of pages of dialogue. But recently the soap has all gone a bit . . . wrong. New characters like Bea Pollard (Ronni Ancona) are boring snoring. And old icons are brought back with great fanfare, only to be written out again months later when the producers get bored. Take the much-lauded return of Zoe Slater (Michelle Ryan) to Albert Square after 20 years away. This was meant to be the bombshell storyline that kept us glued to our tellies four times a week. But instead it fell flat. And now she is set to be killed off just a year after her return. What a waste. Or take Max Branning (Jake Wood), another EastEnders legend. He is a self-obsessed, scheming lothario who once plotted to destroy Albert Square and drove his ex-wife Tanya (Jo Joyner) to such despair that she buried him alive in a coffin in the woods on Good Friday. Suffice to say he rose again. When Max returned to the soap last year, I rubbed my hands with glee, excited about what dastardly mischief he would get up to this time. But so far it has been a massive disappointment. He went from hating Cindy Beale (Michelle Collins) to being engaged to her in about a week. He is now having an affair with younger woman Priya (Sophie Khan Levy), but who cares? Cindy, who once enlisted a hitman to kill her then-husband Ian (Adam Woodyatt) and came back from the dead a few years ago, doesn’t seem to like Max very much and vice versa. No one cares if they split up. There is no tension, jeopardy or suspense. The much-lauded return of Zoe Slater (Michelle Ryan) to Albert Square after 20 years away was meant to be the bombshell storyline Credit: BBC Max Branning (Jake Wood) is having an affair with Priya (Sophie Khan Levy) Credit: BBC EastEnders bosses are racing through characters like a red-flag bloke races through Tinder dates. Bored now — on to the next. And when BBC bosses do bring back a legend of the Square, they don’t make the most of it. I love EastEnders. I’ve watched it since I was a child. I can still remember being round my grandma’s house when the explosive “Sharongate” episode aired, exposing Sharon Watts (Letitia Dean) and Phil Mitchell’s affair. Every Christmas Day, my family stops whatever they are doing to watch the EastEnders special. If we are still gorging on turkey, we take a break from the table. If we are watching a film, it is paused. EastEnders comes first. So I have a plea for that army of scriptwriters and producers at Elstree Studios: please raise your game and make EastEnders great again. If not, I just might have to use my next question at a Downing Street press conference to ask the Prime Minister Andy Burnham to intervene to save the soap I know and love. Although I have a feeling the former Manchester Mayor may be more of a Corrie man . . . Glamorous Amy has nailed it at sprinting Amy Hunt won a record-breaking four gold medals at the European Championship Credit: EPA I HAVE got a new hero – and her name is Amy Hunt. The hugely talented sprinter won a record-breaking four gold medals at the European Championship – and looked sensational with a full face of make-up and an impressive manicure. The 24-year-old told the Beeb that getting glammed up helps get her in the zone. Amy said: “The glam definitely helps that mentality because sprinting is such a confidence game.” Good for her. She looked fab, as did the rest of our hugely talented squad of female glamazonian sprinters. They were brimming with confidence and talent – and they made me want to put my running shoes on, and dash out and get a manicure. Ladies, this is what feminism looks like. Lads, watch and learn. A ’DAM GOOD IDEA Andy Burnham is getting ready to draw up his first Budget as Prime Minister, and you know what that usually means – tax rises Credit: PA ANDY BURNHAM is getting ready to draw up his first Budget as Prime Minister, and you know what that usually means – tax rises. So I thought the new PM might be interested in something I learned on my summer holiday in Amsterdam this year. The Dutch government used to tax homeowners according to how big the front of their house was. As a result, many of the houses alongside the city’s famous canals have tiny entrances and then get bigger at the back. Homeowners did this to escape massive levies from the taxman. The lesson here is that when hard-working people think a tax is unfair, they will change their habits to avoid paying it. Andy should heed this warning and ditch the tax hikes. EYES ON THE PRIZE Many pairs of glasses were being flogged for nearly £500 a pair Credit: Getty I WENT to buy some new specs the other day and couldn’t believe my eyes when I first looked at the prices. Many were being flogged for nearly £500 a pair. I nearly booked myself in for another eye test to make sure I wasn’t seeing things! I know wearing glasses has gone from geeky to trendy over the past few years. But these sky-high prices are bananas. I ended up finding some bargain basement ones that looked exactly the same as the designer frames. Which just goes to show that when something is eye-wateringly expensive, it is always worth looking elsewhere. I SEE Boney M are set to play the Reform party conference next month. No small boats on the Rivers Of Babylon then . . . PLEASE CATCH SWINE Vandals in Oxfordshire have taken a chainsaw and decapitated a hedge that was shaped to look like Peppa Pig Credit: SWNS Thames Valley Police are hunting for the culprits of the Peppa Pig hedge decapitation Credit: SWNS VANDALS in Oxfordshire have taken a chainsaw and decapitated a hedge that was shaped to look like Peppa Pig. What heartless swines. I will never understand why some bone-headed yobs want to deface nature like this. It’s like the men who cut down the Sycamore Gap tree. They are idiotic louts who revelled in the pointless destruction they caused. Thames Valley Police are hunting for the culprits of the Peppa Pig hedge decapitation. Hopefully someone will squeal and the vandals will be brought to justice. APPARENTLY Cheryl Cole is poised to make a telly comeback as a coach on The Voice UK. Hooray, the Girls Aloud star was the best thing about The X Factor and we have missed her. Does this mean she is planning new music too? Fingers crossed – it’s been ages since the charts had a banger as good as Fight For This Love. WORKS FOR ME AN employment tribunal has ruled that you can’t be sacked for slagging off your boss behind their back. Well, thank goodness for that! If it had gone another way then millions of us would be destined for the dole queue. Moaning about work is a national sport for us Brits. What else would we talk about down the pub once we have clocked off for the day? It would be barmy to make that a sacking offence. PS to my editor – if you are reading this, I love you really!