Debunking Erectile Dysfunction Myths

A hard penis does not a good romp make—just ask anyone who's been dicked down by Hammerhead Hank or JackRabbit Joe. And conversely, a soft penis doesn’t spell sexual or relational doom—nor does it say anything about anyone’s status as a Certified Hottie.But between sex ed curricula that teaches us absolutely noting about how erections work, and porn that makes rock-hard boners look like a prerequisite for good sex, many of us have absorbed some pretty wonky ideas about what the lack of an erection “means.” So, when we come face-to-face with a less-than-rock-hard penis ourselves, our brains start filling in the blanks: They’re not attracted to me anymore. I don’t turn them on. They don’t want to have sex with me. The rub is that an erection (or lack thereof) simply can’t tell you all that.“A penis is an organ, not a relationship meter,” says Amy Pearlman, MD, a Miami-based board-certified urologist specializing in male sexual health, and co-founder of the Prime Institute. “A partner’s erection, or lack thereof, doesn't reliably tell you how attracted to you they are, how much they like you, or how much they want to have sex,” she says.So, before you let a soft penis propel you into an emotional tailspin, allow us to do a little ED myth-busting. Ahead, the experts on erections (a.k.a. urologists) bust the biggest myths about erectile dysfunction. Believe us, knowing the facts can save you a hell of a lot of unnecessary self-doubt.Myth No. 1: Getting A Boner Is EasyTo fully appreciate just how little the partner of a person with a penis may have to do with their erection (or lack thereof), it helps to understand all the things that have to go right for a penis to get hard.Popping a boner is a sophisticated bodily process. “It is a remarkably complex event” influenced by biological, physiological, psychological, and social factors, says board-certified urologist Peter Schlegel, MD, FACS, an internationally acclaimed expert in the treatment of erectile dysfunction and advisor with Ro, a sexual health pharmaceutical and supplement company.First, the brain has to register that something arousing is happening. Then, internally, the neuromuscular, vascular, and hormonal systems have to coordinate to increase blood flow into the penis and keep it there, he explains. And even if all those accelerators are firing, any number of things can slam the brakes.With so many moving parts, anything that interferes with one of those systems can affect erectile function. On the physical health front, cardiovascular, neurological, and hormonal issues all affect whether someone gets or maintains an erection, Pearlman says. Mental health factors—including conditions like anxiety and depression, as well as more circumstantial experiences like stress—can throw a wrench in the works, too, she says.Your partner’s medicine and liquor cabinet can also come into play, as certain medications—including those used to treat anxiety and high blood pressure, to name a few—have known sexual side effects, says Pearlman. Meanwhile, “too much alcohol can absolutely interfere with erectile function,” she says, in part because it can disrupt the nerve signaling involved in getting and maintaining an erection.“Certain recreational drugs can also be problematic. Nicotine and cocaine, for example, may cause constriction of blood vessels, which is exactly the opposite of what you're trying to accomplish when you want blood flowing into the penis,” she adds.In other words, there are approximately one trillion things that can interfere with an erection that have absolutely nothing to do with you—or how 🔥🔥🔥 your partner thinks you are (more on that one ahead).Myth No. 2: A Soft Penis Is a Sign They Think You’re Ugly “One of the biggest misconceptions about erections is that they’re a perfect barometer of attraction. They’re not,” Pearlman tells Cosmopolitan. Someone can be incredibly (!!) attracted to you—and turned on by you—and still lose their erection, she says. (Conversely, someone can also have an erection without necessarily being wildly turned on, she adds).That’s not to say your relationship could never factor into the going-ons below the belt, however. Pearlman says, “The partner and the relationship absolutely can play a role, and I don’t think we should dismiss that possibility just to make someone feel better.” After all, it can be hard (pun intended) to get in the mood when you’re stuck in a pursuer-withdrawer cycle, hung up on something your partner said or did, feeling disconnected, or otherwise experiencing relationship distress.But relationship factors are just one potential piece of the pocket rocket puzzle, which is veryyy different from assuming that an unreliable erection is a sign that your partner has lost interest. “I wouldn’t let your brain immediately turn an unreliable erection into a referendum on your attractiveness or the future of your sex life,” she says.Myth No. 3: One Night = Erectile DysfunctionIf you’re reading this after a single showdown with your S.O.'s semi, know this: “One disappointing Tuesday night isn't a diagnosis,” says Pearlman. “Having an occasional erection that doesn't cooperate is part of being human.”Maybe your partner slept terribly the night before, had a third cocktail, or was stressed as hell about work. It’s even possible they got stuck in their own head thinking, "Please get hard, please get hard, please, please, please get hard."Erectile dysfunction, by definition, is more persistent than that. The American Urological Association defines erectile dysfunction as the consistent or recurrent inability to attain and/or maintain penile erection sufficient for sexual satisfaction. “The important words there are consistent or recurrent,” says Pearlman.So, try not to freak out over the occasional softy. If it becomes a pattern—or starts impacting your sex life in a major way—that’s when it’s worth taking note of, according to Pearlman. “If it's happening repeatedly, becoming predictable, causing distress, changing your sexual behavior, or making you avoid intimacy because either of you is worried it will happen again, that's when I want to know about it,” she says. But otherwise, no need to turn a Soft Knob into a Whole Thing.Myth No. 4: ED Is Something for Them to Handle If your partner has explicitly expressed that they’d like you to take a hands-off approach to their not-so-hard-ons, respect their wishes. But otherwise, sexologist Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., professor of sociology at the University of Washington in Seattle, Washington, and co-author of 50 Great Myths of Human Sexuality, suggests reframing ED as an opportunity for collaboration. “I recommend thinking about ED being a shared challenge as opposed to just something the guy has to contend with,” she says.Because while you are imagining all kinds of scary scenarios about what their erection means about you, your partner—who also grew up surrounded by very specific messages about erections, masculinity, and sexual prowess—may be spinning some tales of their own.“He could be hiding feelings of sexual inadequacy and fear. He may even think that you won't desire him anymore or trust him to be able to fulfill your sexual needs,” says Schwartz.Talking about erectile dysfunction together can keep you both from spiraling in silence, while giving each of you a chance to calm the other's anxieties that the lack of erection is a Very Big Deal, Schwartz says. “This is extra important because feelings of shame or guilt can interfere with erectile function,” she saysBegin by making it clear that you’re neither assigning blame nor ringing the alarm bells. “Tell him that you know erectile problems are quite common and that you're not worried or in a hurry to figure it out,” she says. From there, offer whatever reassurance feels true to you, for instance, that you’re still attracted to them, still sexually satisfied, or still their biggest fan. And, yes, if you need it, you can ask for some reassurance of your own. After all, tackling ED as a team means making room for both of your feelings and insecurities.Myth No. 5: ED Meds Mean Automatic Erections If your partner winds up getting diagnosed with erectile dysfunction, they may be prescribed an oral medication—like Viagra (sildenafil), Cialis (tadalafil), or others—which are common treatments for ED.With a success rate of 70 to 80 percent, these medications are pretty darn effective at supporting erectile function.However, “they do not create sexual desire or arousal,” says Pearlman. “You don't swallow Viagra and automatically become horny, and taking Cialis shouldn't leave you spontaneously walking around with an erection,” she says.What they actually do is give the body’s natural erection response a helping hand. ED medications “help a penis respond to sexual stimulation by enhancing the normal physiological erection response to arousal,” says Schlegel. Specifically, they make it easier for the blood vessels in the penis to relax and fill with the blood needed for an erection, he explains.For anyone dating a partner with ED, there are two important takeaways for you here: First, ED meds aren't a tool your partner is using to manufacture attraction to you that isn't there. Because these tools can’t manufacture attraction or desire at all—they simply support the physiological processes that naturally kick off in the face of sexual stimulation.Second, popping a pill doesn’t make all the horny-making stuff obsolete. “Sexual stimulation is still necessary for these meds to work,” says Pearlman. So, whatever usually gets your partner—and you—going still matters.Also worth noting: There are right and wrong ways to take these medications. So, if they don’t work the first time, please don't immediately assume that the medication, or your relationship, is a bust. “Timing matters, dose matters, food matters (particularly with sildenafil), and the amount and type of sexual stimulation matter, too,” Pearlman says.Myth No. 6: Your Sex Life Is DoomedSure, for those who enjoy intercourse, “a fully rigid erection can enhance penetrative pleasure,” says Schlegel. “But it is not required for a satisfying sex life,” he says. So, don’t take an ED diagnosis—or a suspected one—as proof it is time to start planning a funeral for your sex life or relationship.“Men can give and receive sexual pleasure without an erection, as intercourse is only one form of sexual intimacy,” says Schlegel. Oral sex, hand stuff, mutual masturbation, anal exploration, and play with toys remain very much on the table.And on top of that, your partner’s penis isn’t automatically off the table just because it isn’t standing in attention. “A person with a penis can experience pleasurable sensation whether it is soft, partially erect, or fully erect because penile sensation and erection are distinct physical processes,” he says.In sum, getting an erection is just one thing their body may do in response to arousal. But it’s not the arbiter of whether your sex life is vicious or your relationship is solid—and it’s certainly not an indicator of whether you’re hot as hell (because, duh, you are).