Dear Annie: My 86-year-old mom is choosing to live with my brother, after I cared for her for 20 years

AdviceAnnie Lane writes the Dear Annie advice column.(Creators Publishing)Dear Annie: I’m overwhelmed with anger and resentment. My 86-year-old mom, who has lived in the same town as me for 30-plus years, blindsided me by announcing she was moving an hour and a half north to live with my brother. My husband and I have taken care of her — and my father when he was alive — for the past 20 years.I feel extremely hurt and blindsided by this decision. I fully accept that she’s a grown woman and can live wherever she wants. However, I found out afterward that my brother and sister already knew about it and had been discussing it with her for quite some time. She even notified her independent living residence before dropping the bombshell on me.I feel completely disrespected by my mom and siblings for not including me in these discussions or even planting the seed that this was a possibility.Am I out of line for feeling so angry and hurt after being the only sibling in town taking care of her for the past 20 years? Should she have given me some kind of heads-up that she was thinking about this?— Hurt and DisrespectedDear Hurt and Disrespected: It never feels good to realize you’re the only one in the dark. After 20 years of being the main caregiver, you definitely deserved a heads-up.But try not to see your mother’s decision to move as a rejection of everything you’ve done for her. Perhaps she’s just ready for a change of scenery and a little more time with your brother.Tell her that you respect her decision but were hurt by how you found out. You can tell your siblings the same. Then give yourself some time to adjust. You have every right to be upset, but at 86, your mother’s time is precious. Don’t spend too much of it being angry with her.Dear Annie: I read the letter from “Still Hurting,” the 78-year-old man who still struggles with the bullying and abuse he suffered in elementary and high school. I admire that he managed to have such a rich adult life without becoming what too many people who were bullied grow up to be: bullies themselves.My thought is that if he’d like to give socializing with his former classmates one more shot, he could attend another one of these coffee or lunch gatherings. If the bullying comes up, he could simply look at the former classmate and ask, “Did you ever think about how much it hurt when you said that?”While such a response may dampen the social gathering a bit, it would give him a chance to confront the bully and perhaps help the bully finally grow up.If he chooses to do this, role-playing with a trusted friend, counselor or therapist beforehand could help him prepare.— I’ve Been ThereDear I’ve Been There: You were in good company with other readers who were touched by this letter.Many encouraged “Still Hurting” to give those gatherings another shot and speak up if the bullying comes up again. As another reader suggested, he could try, “Wow, those were some glory days for you!” or “Gimme a break. It was mean back then and just stupid now. Knock it off.”Speaking up could help “Still Hurting” find his voice again and maybe give someone else the courage to use theirs.Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.Annie Lane has offered witty, common-sense solutions to everyday problems in her column, “Dear Annie” since July 2016. She grew up in California and graduated with honors from New York University, where she...