Couples Are Always Asking Me to Play a Very Weird Role in Their Relationships. Make It Stop.

Dear Prudence Why does this keep happening to me? Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Oct 08, 20266:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Cookie Studio/Adobe Stock and kieferpix/Adobe Stock. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, I am single middle-aged man, and I’m good friends with several couples. It’s not uncommon when I’m hanging out with a couple that the two of them start arguing. It’s never anything too big and I’m not worried about how anyone is treated in their relationship. It seems like regular couple stuff like what to do about an ex that’s being a deadbeat dad, or who’s to blame for not cleaning something up. However, I’m fairly conflict averse and not a fan of sitting in the middle of a fight. Even worse, sometimes one of them will try to pull me in as an “unbiased third party” and try to get me to pick a side. I don’t want to have any part of that, and I don’t want to sit around and watch two people bicker. How can I kindly tell them to argue at home and leave me out of it. —Leave Me Out of It Dear Leave Me, Since the couple fights that are bringing you down aren’t about anything heavy and you’re not deeply disturbed, the best approach is probably to make light of the situation. Try one of these lines: “Guys, stop it! I feel like my parents are getting divorced” or “Hey, I’m single, the perk is supposed to be that I don’t have to hear bickering about laundry.” “My couple’s therapy fee is $200 an hour and I don’t participate with insurance so we should probably change the topic!’ “You two know I’m conflict averse! I’m in fight or flight just hearing all the back and forth about who does the laundry. And I’m going to choose the flight and get us another round of drinks/order of fries.” If you want to get ahead of this in a more serious way, don’t confront them at the moment. Being called out for bickering would probably feel as bad as being told to “calm down” when you’re upset, which we all know is deeply infuriating. Instead, the next time one of these couples proposes an outing, say, “I hope it’s not weird to ask but are you guys getting along OK? I just ask because I know arguing is normal for couples, but I’ve been noticing that when my things get tense between my friends, I get super uncomfortable. If you need to work through something I totally get it and I know it’s healthy, but I might want to hang out another time if this is likely to be a night with a lot of bickering.” Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Prudence, I found this amazing guy. Let’s call him James. We texted for three months and in the beginning, it was just friendly. He stated he only wanted to be friends, and I respected that. He then started flirting like crazy! I was confused and am still confused. He lives an hour away and we both play quarterback for our school teams. Now, there is this other guy, let’s call him Graham, and he lives in my neighborhood. I swim with him every day in summer for our swim team, and I really like him. He runs by my house occasionally, and likes to walk by my house and scan the windows (lol he’s kinda weird like that). But I don’t know how to get either one to like me. —The Lost Puppy Dear Lost Puppy, Two crushes! This is exciting. But let me suggest a change that will keep it from becoming frustrating or painful. Actually, what I’m going to say applies to James and Graham but also to any other object of your interest in the future: You should never try to get anyone to like you. Beyond that, I don’t recommend trying to get anyone who seems to like you to do something about it that they don’t seem inclined to do. This suggestion is meant to make life easier and more pleasant for you. Attempting to change another person’s mind or behavior is really hard work and doesn’t often lead to great results. It’s totally possible that James is absolutely giddy every time he thinks about you or that Graham’s preoccupation with how great you are is what motivates him to peek into your windows (which, I agree, is a bit weird—but my friends and I stalked our crushes in similar ways in middle school so I can’t really judge). But where does that get you if James has said he just wants to be friends because he’s afraid of commitment, or Graham has limited himself to gazing at your home because he has a long-distance boyfriend or girlfriend, and running around the neighborhood isn’t technically cheating. Being interested means nothing if the guy isn’t also available and excited about doing the things you want to do with the object of your interest. What you can do instead of trying to force things is to create an opportunity. After all, someone has to make the first move. With Graham, try something like, “Hey I see you running by a lot too. The coach said I need more cardio so let me know if you ever want company, and I can come out when you pass my house and join you!” Then see what happens. Ideally you two will share the work of pushing things forward, taking turns doing things like flirting, acknowledging that you like each other, and then, if the stars align, proposing the kind of relationship you want. No one person should be doing all the work or dragging the other toward romance or commitment. James is a different story. Forget him. There would be nothing worse than succeeding in making something happen with him only to get totally attached and then be disappointed when he pulls the classic technically-but-not-really-nice guy move and says “I told you I only wanted to be friends!” even though his actions clearly indicated otherwise. Dating is lawless and there’s no penalty for doing one thing and saying another. The best way to deal with this is to promise yourself that you’ll only pursue someone when what they say and what they do both line-up with what you want. Want more Prudie? Slate Plus members get an additional column each week. Sign up for Slate Plus now. Dear Prudence, I have a soft voice. I’m a perfectly socially adept and interesting person, but it seems like every group setting involves my getting repeatedly interrupted, talked over, or ignored. Sometimes after numerous attempts at getting one sentence completed, I get too annoyed to even try. It’s exhausting. For example, last night I told the group that my daughter, who lives abroad, was getting married and that I would travel there to join her, and then sat there while the lady next to me expounded on her cat for 20 minutes. After multiple interruptions last night, I complained, and their behavior improved. But such complaints are socially awkward and bad-tempered. I could retreat into saying these people are just thoughtless, but it’s a longstanding pattern throughout my life. What to do to improve the situation? —A Widow’s Potential Friend Dear Potential Friend, Good for you for standing up for yourself. I’m not sure whether the people you socialize with are literally not hearing you when you speak, or if you’re possibly dealing with everyday rudeness and the difficulty of keeping a conversation on track when a large group is involved. Many of us have had the experience of starting a story at a dinner party, only to realize people have shifted gears and there’s not going to be an appetite for the rest of it. While it’s not pleasant, it can sometimes be chalked up to the fact that hangouts with friends don’t have a moderator and everyone is just getting their two cents in wherever they can. An obvious thing to try, if it doesn’t feel uncomfortable to you, would be to try speaking louder. Or make an effort to harness the group’s attention and prepare them for the fact that you’re going to be sharing something: For example, “I’ve been wanting to tell you guys some exciting news about my daughter!” instead of just launching into it. A better tactic might be to speak to one person at a time rather than attempting to hold the attention of a crowd. In my opinion, this is a more rewarding way to have a conversation anyway. And when you’re having a good talk with one friend, totally engaged and unconcerned with delivering remarks to others at the gathering, others tend to get interested and want to take part. Finally, when something has been happening for your whole life, it’s painful, and advice as trite as “Don’t take it personally” kind of falls flat. But I hope there’s some part of you that can embrace the fact that if someone talks about their cat (or anything, really) for 20 minutes straight, the pattern that’s concerning is theirs, not yours. Classic Prudie Around the time I got engaged, my aunt started making some very destructive (and very public) decisions. My mom and her other siblings reached out in various ways to help her and she was mostly very nasty to them, often resorting to personal attacks when they’d try to get her to face her actions and help her through the consequences. When it came time to send out wedding and bridal shower invites I decided, based on her past and current actions and her uncontrolled drinking, not to invite my aunt. Advice Dear Prudence