Child behaviorist explains how parents accidentally ‘wire’ their kids to be entitled

Perhaps you’ve seen it in your own child at the store, or else witnessed someone else’s child throwing a tantrum in a shopping mall. They want candy, and they want it RIGHT THIS SECOND. The easy thing to do, of course, is to give it to them to stop their screaming and crying. But it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that in the long run, this might not be the best course of action. The question then becomes: Why is this happening? And what should parents do to curb it? In a clip from The Jefferson Fisher podcast, Dr. Becky Kennedy is asked, “What can a parent do to make sure their kid is not entitled?” She answers frankly: “Entitlement is fear of frustration.” Types of entitlement She gives examples of what that might look like. “You know when you get frustrated when you want a shirt, and your parent says no. When you want to play with blocks, but your parents say you have to wait. When you ask for a phone, and you’re told, ‘Yeah, no way, you’re eight.’ Whenever you want something and you don’t have it, you’re frustrated. It’s actually about your body never learning to tolerate the frustration of not having something.” She then explains the “fear” element: “But because it’s fear, every time you’re frustrated and you have a parent who turns it off by giving you something, you actually wire your fear. Your parents are scared of you being that way. That’s why! That’s the only reason they’d avoid it. And so they give you everything.” Frustration and fear Kennedy relays that entitlement in adulthood works the same way. “Entitlement, even in adulthood, is someone who is frustrated. And probably still has the coping skills of a two-year-old. Or worse, they’ve had a life where someone has shut off the frustration. So now, ‘I’m sorry, I’m not bumped up to first class, even though I am a Medallion, whatever!’ What they’re really saying is, ‘Where is the person who turns off my frustration because I have learned that that’s what the world will do.’” Circling back to children, she notes there are solutions. “The best way to not have an entitled kid, and I can be concrete about this, is to make sure you don’t take frustration away from your kid. Or to make sure there are literal doses.” Upworthy spoke with psychotherapist and father of two toddlers, Dipesh Patel, MBA, MSW, LCSW, CFT™, who specializes in parenting. He first sets the record straight on what entitlement even means: “I want to first put it out there that ‘entitlement’ can mean a lot of different things.” He then explains the different ways entitlement can show up. “There’s entitlement with how some kids might not want to share their things, or be unaware of the feelings and emotions of others, or also relational entitlement such as my reality is the only reality that matters here. I think it’s important to make these distinctions because we’re not just targeting one particular thing but multiple things.” Reframing the thoughts Regarding Kennedy’s points, Patel reiterates her thoughts. “Frustration tolerance is essential to kids being able to work through their discomfort and, therefore, work through difficult emotions and feelings without having an adult always rescue them,” he says. Through his own lens of parenting, he adds, “I think as parents we have an inherent response when we see our kids struggling with hardship. It’s not only a psychological response but very much a physiological response as well. However, when we’re able to identify these moments as actual learning moments, I think parents might also be able to reframe their own thoughts.” He notes that, of course, there are many parenting styles. “…And yes, while there’s no one parenting style or approach that’s the best, there are some that might have certain benefits when it comes to allowing kids to be able to work through their own uncomfortable feelings and emotions.” Lighthouse parenting Patel ultimately advocates for “lighthouse parenting.” He shares, “Lighthouse parenting has gotten more and more attention, both on social media as well as in different parenting circles. The idea is that you still allow for a safe, foundational baseline for kids to feel a sense of psychological safety, but you still allow for them to go about navigating the world and working through their own uncomfortable feelings, emotions, and experiences without always jumping to the rescue — just as a lighthouse warns ships if they are about to hit a shoreline.” He adds, “At the end of the day, this also connects well with the psychology behind how self-esteem gets developed. Kids have to actually feel like they are able to accomplish and work through challenges so they actually have things to be proud of.” Licensed school psychologist Farah Downs, Ed.S., NCSP, told Upworthy that sometimes frustration can’t simply be removed. “Helping a child through frustration is different from taking the frustration away. I often remind parents that they don’t have to choose between holding a limit and comforting their child. You can say, ‘I know you wanted to keep playing, but it’s time to turn it off. Do you want a hug?’ The answer is still no, but they don’t have to handle the disappointment alone. Offering comfort doesn’t undo the opportunity to practice hearing no.” Rethinking entitlement She also points out that the word itself can be tricky. “I’d also be careful about labeling a child ‘entitled’ based on how upset they get. They can understand that the answer isn’t changing and still have a hard time with it. Their age, temperament, anxiety, ADHD, or learning needs can affect how much support they need to get through that moment.”