Celebrity MasterChef is an elephants’ graveyard for TV’s fading stars – this tragic lot were outshone by a trio of pies

SINCE winning I’m A Celebrity 22 years ago, the biggest highlight of Joe Pasquale’s career was accidentally flashing his private parts playing Frank Spencer in a stage show of Some Mothers Do ’Ave Em. You would, however, be forgiven for thinking he was the reincarnation of Laurence Olivier and Charlie Chaplin if you were watching the new series of Celebrity MasterChef. In the fame stakes, Joe Pasquale’s up there with Christ and Elvis compared with the rest of the Celebrity MasterChef line-up Credit: Getty Celebrity MasterChef has become the elephants’ graveyard of celebrity shows, where ­fading stars go once they’ve completed the bingo card of big TV contests Credit: BBC The narrator this week introduced the squeaky-voiced dad joke machine as “a master of stage and comedy royalty”. To be fair, in the fame stakes he’s up there with Christ and Elvis compared with the rest of the line-up. Celebrity MasterChef has become the elephants’ graveyard of celebrity shows, where ­fading stars go once they’ve completed the bingo card of big TV contests, or are shunned as too low-rent for Celebrity Antiques Road Trip. In the first two episodes of the new series, the dearth of genuinely famous faces was replaced by overstatement. So, fellow contestant Jay McGuiness — the mop-haired boy band singer who won Strictly 11 years ago — was introduced as “a celebrated author”. You might have missed the ticker-tape parades when his two books came out. But, wait — that was nothing compared with the fanfare that announced the arrival of guest judge Paddy McGuinness. He was heralded as “one of Britain’s most beloved entertainers”. Then, hilariously, they illustrated this by showing two clips from a pair of much-loved shows he fronted for the BBC — A ­Question Of Sport and Top Gear, both of which got axed under Paddy’s tenure. Celebrity MasterChef might just be heading the same way because, as well as lacking celebrities, they also don’t ­showcase any masterful chefs any more. Jay McGuiness, pictured on the right, the mop-haired boyband singer who won Strictly 11 years ago — was introduced as ‘a celebrated author’ Credit: BBC /Shine TV Guest judge Paddy McGuinnes was heralded as ‘one of Britain’s most beloved entertainers’ Credit: BBC If they did, they wouldn’t have had the temerity to line up the competitors, as they did on the first episode, and ask them to taste and name dozens of ­condiments, each placed in tiny bowls. These included such exotic treats as ketchup, honey and Branston Pickle, which eight-year-olds could surely have named. But four of the wannabe “master chefs” were defeated. Can you imagine what new judge, Michelin-starred gastronomer Giorgio Locatelli, made of this farce? As well as bill-toppers Joe and Jay “Hemmingway” McGuinness, we got three passengers — Love Islander Shakira Khan, sports host Jason Mohammad and weightlifter Emily Campbell. But it turns out the biggest stars of the show were Joe’s trio of pies.These received cursory praise from the judges but, of course, nothing so British or pedestrian was ever going to be lauded. In fact, Giorgio’s fellow judge Grace Dent seemed more preoccupied with moaning after getting stuffed with Jason’s extra-thick gnocchi. In a stunning moment she suddenly announced he’d left her needing: “a lie down with ankles raised.” If dumplings have that effect on Grace, perhaps Joe should produce his famous meat and two veg in the next round. TRAGIC GREEK JAUNT CHRISTOPHER NOLAN’S The Odyssey is a swords and sandals classic but Richard E Grant’s Very Modern Odyssey is more spit-and-sawdust tragic. The Channel 4 show sees the Withnail And I legend trying to retrace the steps of the hero of Homer’s classic in a series which falls between the twin stools of history lesson and travelogue. Now, my knowledge of the tale is a little hazy, but I’m pretty sure Odysseus never sampled decorative tile-making or rustled up a non-alcoholic mojito on his epic adventures, yet that’s just what Richard ends up doing. It’s the ultimate example of virtue-signalling TV execs trying to serve up something “accessible” when all they’re really doing is dumbing down. Thankfully, we’ll all soon have another TV show to help us look at the tale in a new way ­– Rylan Clark and Rob Rinder’s Greek Odyssey. Both the Herculean warrior types Homer obviously had in mind when he wrote the original. Hooked on Homer’s odyssey through glam LA in Eighties Cindy ­Crawford’s lookalike daughter Kaia Gerber stars in Disney+’s The Shards Credit: Getty IF YOU’RE of a certain age and can still recall the late Seventies and early Eighties, then dust off your Chopper for a nostalgic joyride back in time, courtesy of The Shards. This Disney+ show – a mix of Silence Of The Lambs, Beverly Hills 90210 and ­American Gigolo – has me hooked. Set in Los Angeles in 1981, it’s basically the “origins story” of Bret Easton Ellis, who wrote seminal serial-killer novel American Psycho. You’ll need to ignore some of the choppy acting, and instead focus on the glamorous costumes, Hollywood backdrops and some seriously sexy people, including Cindy ­Crawford’s lookalike daughter Kaia Gerber and Richard Gere’s son, Homer. My biggest takeaway from the show, ­however, was the revelation that Alan Carr isn’t actually the most famous Alan Carr in showbiz. That honour goes to Allan Carr, who pops up as a real character in The Shards. He was a Tinseltown supremo who discovered the likes of Michelle Pfeiffer and Mark Hamill and was the movie mogul who made films such as Saturday Night Fever and Grease the cult hits they are. Funnily enough, Allan Carr was a little ­cuddly, camp bloke in specs, too. TIDE IS EBBING RACE Against The Tide is an example of a modern-day phenomenon – the non-show. It looks like a show, it sounds like a show, it cost thousands of licence fee payers’ pounds to make, like all BBC programmes. But it is 30 minutes of zombifying nothingness and proof that just because you film ­something happening, you can’t credibly claim to have made a TV ­programme. Predictably for a ­contest featuring sandcastle sculptors showing off their skills, it’s only one step away from watching one of those fireplace videos people put on their TV screens at Christmas in place of the real thing. In fact, Race Against The Tide’s only redeem-ing feature is to remind us just how unfunny host Iain Stirling is when we don’t have all the bums and boobs of Love Island to distract us from his try-hard gibberings. LADS’ ART OF GOLD Steph McGovern’s latest project, The Big Deal Credit: supplied THIS week, I spotted two fairly normal blokes on a prime-time BBC TV show and felt compelled to make a note of the time and date. It was last Thursday at 8pm, when Steph McGovern’s latest project, The Big Deal, was unveiled. A show about wannabe dealers flogging modern art just felt like BBC Two doing a middle-class version of The Apprentice. And It was.Though, surprisingly, it wasn’t half bad either. The show was saved by the aforementioned fellas, Gavin and Liam from Belfast, who looked like two hapless henchmen from a Guy Ritchie movie. In contrast to the more cosmopolitan competitors, it was like they’d wandered in off the street, having somehow mistaken the show’s audition room for the bookies. They were priceless, admitting their introduction to artists came from watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Donatello, Leonardo, Raphael and Michelangelo). A favourite moment was when they admitted to one artist they’d had a quick game of rock, paper, scissors to select between her creations to sell and another painter’s work. Best of all, by last night’s second episode they were there in the game . . . though both of them still didn’t look like they knew what planet they were on. STRICTLY bosses have, naturally, got a lot to contend with as they relaunch the show this year. But one of the biggest questions revolves around how the new trio of hosts are going to perform the old “keeeep dancing!” sign-off. Previously, it was performed by Tess Daly and Claudia Winkleman doing a little waltz-type dance hold. But with Emma Willis, Josh Widdicombe and Johannes Radebe now fronting things, if they try to do some kind of three-part formation holding hands, it’s going to look like they’re doing the ring- a-roses. To be fair, after the past four years, that’s the least of their worries.