Breadcrumbing Is the Dating Trend That Keeps You Hanging On

Imagine how much easier dating would be if everyone who wasn’t into you simply said, “Hey, I’m not interested.” (Brutal, sure, but easier in the grand scheme of things.) Unfortunately, some people prefer to keep you hanging around with just enough attention to make you think something might happen eventually. They’ll like your Instagram Story after disappearing for a week, text that they miss you without making plans to see you, or pop back into your DMs the second you’ve finally decided they’re probably not into you. This frustrating little dating behavior has a name: breadcrumbing.Breadcrumbing is a pattern of showing someone inconsistent interest in order to keep them engaged without actually investing in the relationship, explains Jenni Skyler, PhD, director of The Intimacy Institute. Think of the name literally: Someone drops just enough metaphorical breadcrumbs to keep you following the trail, but those crumbs never actually lead anywhere.And while breadcrumbing certainly predates dating apps and Instagram, having approximately one million ways to casually remind someone of your existence has made it particularly easy to pull off. A random fire emoji or “how r u” text requires very little effort, but when you actually like the person sending it, that tiny bit of attention can be enough to leave you wondering whether something more is coming.So how can you tell the difference between someone whose communication style is a little inconsistent and someone who’s genuinely breadcrumbing you? Ahead, experts explain the biggest signs of breadcrumbing, why people do it, and what to do if you realize you’ve been surviving on crumbs.Jump to:What Is Breadcrumbing?Signs You're Being BreadcrumbedWhy Do People Breadcrumb?What to Do If You’re Being BreadcrumbedBreadcrumbing is a way of showing inconsistent interest in someone, explains Janet Brito, PhD, founder of Sex Therapy Hawaii. “It’s quite sporadic,” says Brito. “Like you’re dropping in with positive reinforcement, then you disappear.” It usually comes in the form of texts, social media DMs, or dating app messages, and it leaves people confused, wondering if the person who's breadcrumbing is really interested in a relationship.Think of the old Hansel and Gretel fairy tale, where Hansel leaves breadcrumbs along the ground to help him and Gretel find their way home. Breadcrumbing is kinda like that, except the breadcrumbs are little hints that someone’s into you—and instead of leading somewhere, they keep you following a trail that never really goes anywhere.If you’re super into the person, their breadcrumbing might make you more inclined to wait around and see if they demonstrate any real intention to make an effort or commit, potentially wasting precious time in the process.Signs You're Being BreadcrumbedAccording to Skyler, you might be experiencing breadcrumbing if your romantic interest is…Responding to your Instagram Stories at random. Perhaps even with flirty messages and emojis signaling their interest, even if you haven’t heard from them all week.Texting you that they miss you or want to spend more time with you. But when it comes to actually making plans, they never bother to invite you on a date.After going out with them, they say they had a great time with you. But when you try to make future plans or ask them out again, they’re dodgy with their answers, and stick to texting instead of meeting IRL.Being slow to text back, but never fully disappearing. It could be as little as texting you once per week to string you along, but never more than that, even when you respond or reach out first.Only going out with you if it’s super convenient for them. They might meet you for drinks at the bar right by their apartment on their night off. But if you try to make dinner plans further in advance, it’s a no from them.Why Do People Breadcrumb? There’s no guaranteed reason why any one person engages in breadcrumbing because everyone is different. That said, Skyler says it might have something to do with the way smartphones and social media have changed dating culture. “There's always the feeling that there’s someone better in the next swipe,” says Skyler, so people want to keep their options open—even if they've found someone they’re genuinely interested in.“Technology distracts and interrupts us from commitment and connection,” says Skyler. Plus, there's a false sense of intimacy that comes with talking to people online. (Chatting on apps or via text is totally fine in moderation, but it isn't a healthy replacement for IRL contact.) “Such instant gratification doesn’t lead us to invest deeply in a relationship, and so we’re left with this experience of breadcrumbing becoming more prolific,” says Skyler.What to Do If You’re Being BreadcrumbedFirst, know this: It's okay to feel a little embarrassed if you're being breadcrumbed, says Brito. You might harbor some shame around waiting around for someone you like to make a concrete move, even if you know you deserve better. With that said, start by releasing that shame and talking to someone you trust about the situation, suggests Brito. Talk to a friend, loved one, or current therapist, starting with something like: This person is exhibiting [insert example] behavior and it’s bothering me. From there, your confidant can give you a second opinion and talk through solutions that might work based on your specific scenario.If you feel comfortable addressing it with your romantic interest directly, you can do that too, says Brito. You can say something like: I’ve been noticing that you’re only reaching out on social media, but don’t want to meet in person. Can I ask why that is? You can also let them know you want to cut off communication if they keep stringing you along. But ultimately, if you don’t feel like saying anything, that's okay too.Instead, “focus your energy on situations and relationships where you feel fulfilled, that give you a sense of feeling like you’re seen and respected,” says Brito. Do a gut check and notice the people in your life who make you feel positive, calm, and like the effort is reciprocal, says Brito. Life is too short to spend your time waiting around for someone who consistently leaves you wondering where you stand.