“Benching” Is Yet Another Toxic Dating Trend

Every week, the internet drops a “new” dating trend to describe the ways in which our romantic “partners” treat us poorly. “Benching” is just the latest of these trends—except it’s not new at all. In 2016, Teen Vogue dropped an article describing the “cruel new dating trend that’s worse than ghosting.” An entire decade later, it seems as if we’re stuck in the same place.The reality? None of these “trends”—breadcrumbing, ghosting, or gaslighting—are new: People have been shitty in their pursuit of love since the beginning of time. But because we’re an inquisitive species, we try to analyze and prod and label the recurring patterns all to avoid the obvious: that love interest is full of red flags. And benching is no different.They aren't disappearing completely, but they also aren't making meaningful plans or committing to getting to know the person more deeply. —Jordanne Sculler, LMHC​In sports, a player is benched when they’re not “good enough” to be out on the court or field. While there is potential to be put in the game, it’s all dependent on who’s already out playing. In dating, “benching” someone is similar: continuing to engage with them just enough to keep them interested, but prioritizing a different, “more important” connection with someone else.I can tell you this: I’ve never really been a fan of sports.While one person puts in enough effort to maintain a surface-level connection while benching, that effort is never enough for something more. “They aren't disappearing completely, but they also aren't making meaningful plans or committing to getting to know the person more deeply,” Jordanne Sculler, LMHC tells Cosmopolitan.You may be thinking, this sounds an awful lot like breadcrumbing. The difference, Sculler explains, is in the dynamic that’s created. Breadcrumbing involves feeding the other person with small tidbits of attention, benching involves creating the illusion that more is on the table.“One person often believes there's genuine potential for a relationship, while the other is simply keeping them available as an option in case they decide they want to revisit things later,” Sculler says. “In other words, they're keeping someone ‘on the bench’ until it's convenient to put them back in the game.”When you’re getting to know someone romantically, it’s totally OK to not be sure how you feel about them. That’s what dating is for: to figure out how compatible (or incompatible) you are with another person. But when you’ve already mentally decided that you’re not interested in someone, yet continue to make them feel as though you are, that’s when you’ve moved into problematic territory. As with many things in any relationship, communication is the gap.Add Cosmopolitan as a preferred source in your Google search results.Use your Google account to add this to your settings.Sometimes, people just don’t know how to communicate. Benching may seem super malicious, but that may not always be the person’s intent. Sculler explains that some people are just very avoidant and don’t really know how to express how they really feel. “They may believe they are sparing the other person's feelings by not being direct, when in reality, the lack of transparency can be more hurtful.”Of course, everyone has a responsibility to grow up and speak up—because wasting someone’s time for the sake of your own comfort makes you a dick. And we should all aspire to be less dickish in relationships.What to do if you think you’re getting benched:It’s not hard to tell when someone’s benching you. If you feel like you keep trying to push the relationship further but the other person seems content with you staying exactly where you are, it’s likely that they’re not interested in progressing. But if you’re really unsure, the best thing to do is ask.I know, I know. Asking to DTR feels extremely daunting and some of us would rather eat a jean jacket than ask someone what we mean to them. This can feel especially intimidating because the act of being benched feels like an indication of our self worth. Spoiler alert: It’s not! And the way you frame the conversation with a partner can help you get answers about where you’re at without asking someone else to define your worth.“It can be more productive to lead with your own experience and feelings,” Sculler says. For example, she advises saying something like: “I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you, and I’m noticing that I’m looking for more consistency and clarity. I’d love to understand how you’re feeling about this connection.”Just keep in mind that the answer you get may not be the one you’re looking for. Sure, there’s a possibility that the other person becomes aware of their actions, realizes they haven’t been treating you how you deserve, and makes a conscious effort to be a good partner. But there’s also the chance that they’re honest and tell you they don’t want more. And if the other person seems insistent on keeping the connection stagnant, it’s up to you to remove yourself from the situation. Yes, unfortunately I’m asking you to do what’s best for you and not what’s easiest.The dopamine rush you get from that text back may feel so, so good, but that rush isn’t enough to sustain the connection you want and deserve. So while you may be tempted to stay around to beg to “put me in, coach!”, it’s never worth waiting around for someone who didn’t choose you in the first place.This may not work in the sports world, but with relationships, sometimes you just have to take yourself off the bench. There’s someone else out there who thinks you’re the real MVP.