BBC predictably ruins its bats**t new cosy crime drama with tiresome woke agendas – but C5’s rival show is killing it

HOWEVER rotten television is at the moment, viewers can try to console themselves with the fact we are living through a golden age of so-bad-they’re-brilliant cosy crime dramas. The gold standard, even if fans of the Madame Blanc Mysteries may disagree, is still The Good Ship Murder, ­starring X Factor’s Shayne Ward as cabaret-singing detective Jack Grayling, who returns for a fourth Channel 5 series later in the year. The ­Hairdresser Mysteries, starring Sally Phillips, is a strong contender for the most bats**t crazy drama series ever broadcast by the Beeb Credit: BBC Meanwhile, C5’s Benidorm Is Murder is a show so devoid of pretensions and pared-back that nothing gets in the way of the plot Credit: PA Until then, we must make do with two new pretenders to this heavily contested throne. First out of the traps, on BBC One daytime, was The ­Hairdresser Mysteries, starring Sally Phillips, which must be a strong contender for the most bats**t crazy drama series ever broadcast by the Beeb. Filmed in Worcestershire, the fictional town of Blossom Vale is meant to give the appearance of “home counties Midsomer twee” but is ­populated almost entirely by Coronation Street irregulars and has a murder rate like downtown Mogadishu. The fact it also has a 100 per cent clear-up rate is entirely thanks to Sally’s ­character Lily Petal, the crime-fighting hairdresser who solves every single case through the powers of salon gossip, 1970s pop music and female intuition: “My chair is a polygraph test and you didn’t pass.” An unlikely starting point for drama, admittedly. But I should warn you, The Hairdresser Mysteries becomes ever more deranged as the series progresses. In the first episode, Edith from Last Of The Summer Wine (actress Maggie ­Ollerenshaw) is driven to kill by her bingo addiction. The second features a ­parody of a camp, fame-crazed weatherman who bears such an uncanny resemblance to Owain Wyn Evans I’m ­surprised he wasn’t beaten to death with a drum kit. And the third concludes with Heather Small from M People singing Search For The Hero after Lily cracks the case of the psychotic Army bully who’s been asphyxiated by two female pensioners with weight-lifting equipment. An ability to suspend disbelief, it almost goes without saying, is essential before tackling this show. You can get away with ­anything in a cosy crime drama, though, just so long as no one, in either the cast or production, takes themselves too seriously. So guess what the BBC did? Correct. Its compliance unit decided that as well as being artistically unhinged The Hairdresser Mysteries must, right from the word go, also be diverse and inclusive. The local vicar had to be a black woman, the charity shop would be run by a gay black man and Hugh Fletcher the handyman would unburden himself to Lily’s sidekick Clary, in this unlikely manner: “You are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen and I have a dream . . . to be a drag queen. “I have a desire to get in touch with my ­feminine side.” Of course you bloody do, Hugh. For this is the BBC which can’t allow unfettered fun to break out anywhere. Not even on a tongue-in-cheek show like The ­Hairdresser Mysteries. Everything must be dragged down by the same tiresome agenda and obsessions. I’ll not pretend I give a toss that The Hairdresser Mysteries killed off any charm in this lazy, predictable manner, as I don’t. It’s a frustration, though, because if you want to see just how easy it is to make a cosy crime drama, without any political burden, you need only watch Benidorm Is Murder, on Channel 5. A show so devoid of pretensions and pared-back that nothing gets in the way of the plot, and the characters don’t even have surnames. It’s just John Hannah ­starring as Dennis, who solves murders while ­getting drunk in his Scottish-themed pub, The Tavern. What murders they are as well. In episode one a member of a Take That tribute band, Robbie, was thrown from his balcony into the hotel pool and last night comedian Alistair “Vince” McGowan was beaten to death by ­Denise “Ziggy” Welch with a fire ­extinguisher, in what could best be described as a mercy ­killing. Pronoun-ridden days Along the way, no opportunity to wink at the audience was missed, with namechecks for Little & Large, Peter Stringfellow, Jim Davidson and flowers for Vince’s ­grieving widow, Vienna: “From Bobby Davro.” “Who?” None of which means, of course, we should ­confuse the series with great drama. It’s clearly not. But in these pompous, ­hectoring, self-important, pronoun- ridden days, Benidorm Is Murder has no greater mission than entertainment and has the uncommon decency not to take itself remotely seriously. And for those small mercies, I genuinely love this show. (Benidorm Is Murder, C5, Thursday, 9pm) UNEXPECTED MORONS IN THE BAGGING AREA LIGHTNING, Zoe Lyons: “What small wind instrument can also be called a mouth organ or French harp?” Jonathan: “A trombone.” Zoe Lyons: “The England player who scored a hat-trick in the 1966 World Cup final was Geoff . . . ?”Jonathan: “Burns.” Mastermind, Clive Myrie: “What name is given to ­soldiers recruited from Nepal into various ­regiments of the British Armed Forces since 1816?” Gurdas: “Private.” And shame on anyone else who hasn’t heard of the Gurkhas. RANDOM TV IRRITATIONS GOOD Morning Britain pretending the Professor Jason Arday plagiarism scandal never happened. Channel 4 warning viewers The Hitler Interviews “Contains scenes of warfare and violence.” Everyone on TLC’s Unacceptable playing along with the pretence Fatiha El-Ghorri is funny rather than scary. And ITV2’s The Price Of Perfection host Olivia Attwood telling us Selling Sunset’s Bre Tiesi is: “Trying out a new non-invasive therapy that uses magnetic pulses to stimulate parts of the brain which claim to improve mental wellness”, without adding: “But it’s clearly bollocks.” BRIAN NEEDS A HIDING Brian Conley, who’s partnered by his daughter Lucy on Channel 4’s Celebrity Hunted, has gone to extreme lengths in order to avoid capture Credit: Colin Hutton / Channel 4 / Shine HONESTLY, the lengths Brian Conley’s gone to in order to avoid capture on Channel 4’s Celebrity Hunted. Wigs, hats, false teeth, funny outfits, silly voices. It’d be quite touching if the old egomaniac didn’t also swagger around telling everyone he’s “very famous”. Because, at best, Brian, who’s partnered here by his daughter Lucy, is slightly more famous than the other fugitives, who include such titans of the industry as: Strictly’s Amy Dowden and Carlos Gu, a couple of Love Island rejects; two Channel 4 property experts, Stuart and Scarlette Douglas; and panel show regulars Laura Smyth and Jen Brister. Women who seem to be comedy’s very own angels of death and have helped to kill off BBC Two’s Live At The Apollo, Mock The Week and Frankie Boyle’s New World Order. These are “celebrities,” in other words, who – if they were any more low-profile – would be spirit orbs on Most Haunted. It’s probably no surprise then, after two episodes, that Chief Ray Howard and his “elite team of surveillance experts” have caught none of them. It doesn’t help, of course, that Hunter HQ has no night shift and a suspicious habit of letting the celebs slip through their net just at the point someone’s said: “They can’t escape now.” You do wonder, though, how much research the team has carried out on their targets before filming. And I think you get an answer at the exact moment Ray suggests Jen and Laura’s “downfall” might just be the irrepressible urge they have to “make people laugh”. Precisely none. MEANWHILE, on his Very Modern Odyssey, at Valletta’s eight-inch howitzer saluting guns, it’s Channel 4’s Richard E Grant: “Having never been up close and personal with such a huge weapon before, it feels only right I’m beginning my modern odyssey with a bang.” And on that bombshell . . . LOOKALIKE OF THE WEEK Celebrity Raith Rovers fan Val McDermid, left, and Chris Evans, right THIS week’s winner is Virgin Radio’s Chris Evans and celebrity Raith Rovers fan Val McDermid. Sent in by Rick ­Emerson, via email. GREAT SPORTING INSIGHTS MARTIN O’NEILL: “Nowadays, people demand instant success even more instantly.” Phil Tufnell: “He’s so unpredictable, but you just know what he’s going to do.” Alex Crook: “Let’s talk Commonwealth Games, shall we, because it finished yesterday, Arsenal dominating the medal table.” (Compiled by Graham Wray and Ian Marland) TV GOLD GMB saviour Richard Madeley sending Justice minister Jake Richards into a blinking meltdown was TV gold Credit: Rex BBC One’s Ann Droid and the unflinchingly brilliant Murder 24/7. Hendrik Davie, the scene-stealing pathologist played by Darrell D’Silva on ITV’s Van Der Valk (please don’t kill him off). GMB saviour Richard Madeley sending Justice minister Jake Richards into a blinking meltdown with the reminder: “You once said Andy Burnham had the political antennae of a dead cat. You think you were probably right?” And world mile record-holder Josh Kerr winning the same event at the Commonwealth Games, which should make him a very strong contender for Sports Personality Of The Year. Unless those unforgettable World Cup performances have already sewn it up for Grant Hanley. GREAT TV LIES AND ­DELUSIONS OF THE WEEK Celebrity Hunted: “Hello everyone, I am Brian Conley and I’m very famous.” Holly Willoughby Together, Holly: “Josh ­Widdicombe has got that thing where everybody loves him, don’t you think?” (No) And The Princess Diaries, canoe instructor Teresa to Katie Price, with her 1,800CC mega-wongs: “You do need buoyancy aids.” It’s health and safety gone mad, I tell you. SCIENTIFIC FACT OF THE WEEK Evolution: Part IV, Chris Packham: “The story of intelligence begins a very long time ago on a planet devoid of thought, ideas, curiosity. But it is home to single cells who live a simple existence with not a single brain cell between them.” And we’re already up to series 19 of The Real Housewives Of Cheshire, so the problem’s not going away. MOST unfortunate TV name of 2026? The ­Colourist on Murder 24/7, Joe Stabb.