At 56, I’m desperate to downsize – but my three adult children still live at home

Kate Godfrey, a widow from Cheshire, dreams of swapping her busy family home for a little cottage in the country, surrounded by a menagerie of rescued animals. At 56, with her four children now aged between 21 and 31, the copywriter might reasonably have expected to be contemplating a smaller home and the next stage of her life. Instead, three of her four adult children are still living under her roof, with only her youngest, Eliza, having fledged the family nest. Kate is one of a growing number of parents whose plans to downsize are being complicated by adult children who either cannot afford – or simply aren’t ready – to move out. Nearly one in five UK homeowners aged 50 and over have downsized, close to four million people; but an estimated three million people aged 65 and over would like to move to a smaller property but haven’t, with everything from a shortage of suitable homes to moving costs and emotional attachment stopping them. There can be a lot of zeros at stake when it comes to making the move. Research by estate agent Jackson-Stops found that moving from a detached house to a semi-detached property could unlock an average £209,215 in equity – rising to almost £790,000 in expensive areas such as Elmbridge in Surrey. Yet for some parents, there is a bigger problem than packing and emptying a loft with decades of memories and Christmas decorations: where do the children go? Shorts Sarah*, 57, lives in Henley-on-Thames, just outside London, with her two children, Jack, 25, and Ellie, 29. She divorced their father 15 years ago and kept the family home so the children could remain in familiar surroundings. Now both Jack and Ellie have jobs in London, but neither can afford to live there. “If I could downsize, I wouldn’t have to work because I’d be able to free up loads of equity,” says Sarah. “But that’s just not an option. I love my kids, of course I do, but right now I can’t imagine a point where they won’t live with me. When I gave birth to them, that’s definitely not what I envisaged. I wanted to travel when I got older and go and see all the things I never have, but that just feels like a pipe dream.” While Sarah is happy to give her children a home, she admits living with two fully grown offspring isn’t always easy. “I sometimes feel like they’re taking advantage of still being at home,” she says. “They don’t do their own washing as much as I’d like them to and loads of times I’ll go to eat something I’ve bought and put in the fridge and it’s not there. I don’t want them to be grateful exactly for living at home, but for them to think about me and my situation would be nice.” Just as her children are struggling to begin their fully independent adult lives, Sarah is also unable to begin the next chapter of hers. “It’s the reverse in terms of age, but I feel a bit like a teenager trapped in my bedroom dreaming of a bigger life,” she says. Sarah’s frustration comes against a wider problem with Britain’s downsizing market. The average cost of selling one home and buying another in the UK is just under £18,000, according to research. More than a third of older homeowners say they struggle to find the right property to move to, particularly when looking for bungalows or other single-level homes. The costs involved in moving can also be prohibitive, with stamp duty, estate agents’ fees, legal costs and the physical upheaval, all eating into the financial benefit of selling. Sentimentality has no place on a spreadsheet, and yet four in 10 older homeowners who remain in larger family properties cite their emotional attachment as a reason for not moving. This is Kate’s exact predicament. Her four children were just nine, 11, 13 and 19 when their father died. Kate says that’s inevitably shaped how she feels about telling them it is time to make their own way in the world. “I’m probably a bit soft,” she says. “They were so young when their dad died, I’m certainly not going to kick them out, and I don’t particularly want them wasting huge amounts of money on rent either.” ‘My concern about them staying at home isn’t really about me, it’s about them. Part of me would love to sell up and disappear to a country cottage, but really, I want them to be able to have homes and lives of their own,’ says Kate Godfrey None of Kate’s four went to university, instead building careers close to home. Her eldest, Joe, 31, set up his own football coaching business, SK Football Coaching, when he was young; Rowan, 25, followed his father into the building trade; Fin, 23, works in IT; while Kate’s youngest, Eliza, 21, has now left home to work in accountancy. Kate says the three who remain at home all contribute towards the household bills. “My late husband and I had always planned that if they paid us money while they were living at home, we’d save it for them,” Kate says. “Sadly, with the cost of everything now, I actually need their contribution towards the ever-increasing bills.” Kate says despite the number of bodies traipsing through the house, she’s not running a hotel for overgrown teenagers and her three children contribute massively to the household. “I’ll occasionally cook for them, but generally they cook for themselves,” she says. “Rather pleasingly, they sometimes cook for me, too, which is definitely one of the benefits. They’re also great people and I’m incredibly proud of all of them,” she says. “They know I’m only joking when I refer to them as ‘the parasites’. They all get on really well now, too, which wasn’t always the case when they were younger.” Kate says she’s not alone in her friendship group with this situation – a lot of parents she knows still put their adult children up in their childhood bedrooms. “Property is so expensive in our neck of the woods that it makes sense for them to stay home until they’re genuinely financially ready to leave,” she says. “My concern about them staying at home isn’t really about me, it’s about them. Of course, part of me would love to sell up and disappear off to a little cottage in the countryside, but more than that, I want them to be able to have homes and lives of their own. I never want them to feel guilty about still being here. Losing their dad when they were so young was tough enough for them to deal with.” For now, Kate is embracing the upsides. There is always someone around to look after the dogs when she goes away, and she always has company with Fin working from home and Joe’s coaching staff occasionally dropping in between sessions. “Silver linings and all that,” she laughs. So where does she imagine herself in five or 10 years? Will the children finally have homes of their own and Kate her rural escape? “I’m still holding out for that cottage in the country, preferably with a menagerie of rescued animals.” She might want one with three spare bedrooms, just in case.