Asking for a Friend, Is the Silent Treatment Really That Bad?

In a perfect world, we’d all be emotionally mature, communicatively adept lovergirls (gender-neutral, BTW) dating the same. But to the chagrin of the verbal processors and chatterboxes amongst us, some of us wind up with someone who goes silent in the face of strife. If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of the silent treatment and spiraled, this article is for you.First, quick definition: “The silent treatment is unexplained, open-ended, and intentional withdrawal of connection and communication to control or manipulate the other partner,” Stacy Hubbard, LMFT, an EMDR-certified trauma therapist and certified Gottman therapist and Gottman master trainer based in Ashland, Oregon, tells Cosmopolitan.Sure, sometimes this looks like blatant ignoring of your questions and bids for connection. But it can also mean withholding positive nonverbal responses (think: smiles, eye contact, affectionate touch) or swapping them with gestures that ooze contempt, like scoffing or eye-rolling, says Kimberly Panganiban, LMFT, a certified Gottman couples therapist based in San Diego, California. And because we live in the age of the smartphone, “it can also mean not responding to text messages,” she adds.But now for what you’re really wondering: Why the heck does my partner go hush, and is it as bad as it feels? Ahead, relationship therapists explain what's behind the radio silence, what it means for your relationship, and how to get the chit-chat going again.Bluntly, the silent treatment is neither a healthy nor an effective way to deal with conflict and other hard-to-swallow feelings like disappointment, anger, or hurt. “The silent treatment is concerning anytime—but it becomes especially concerning if it is used regularly,” says Panganiban.“Being on the receiving end of the silent treatment can be very distressing for the partner on the receiving end of it,” says Panganiban. If you’ve ever begged for so much as a syllable—let alone a full-ass sentence—from someone dead-set on giving you the cold shoulder, you know how true that is.Suddenly, the person who is supposed to be your confidant and cheerleader, first call and best friend, is as likely to answer your texts or calls as your celebrity crush is to slide into your DMs Adam Levine style with a “Holy fck. Holy fucking fck. That body of yours is absurd.” (IYKYK). With that comes an avalanche of doubt and despair, burying you in questions about where you stand and whether your relationship will weather the storm.Through an attachment theory lens, the person who should be your secure base suddenly becomes a source of uncertainty. Over time, this can create a sense that your beloved attention, love, and care are conditional, which “will start to impact the level of trust in the relationship,” Panganiban says.“Trust requires that both partners feel that their partner has their back at all times (even in conflict),” she explains. When one partner withdraws instead of working through the issue, the receiving partner may begin to question if their partner has their best interests at heart.To top it off, Panganiban says the silent treatment robs a relationship of the chance to reap the bounty of healthy conflict management, including mutual understanding, emotional intimacy, and the chance to come back together even stronger.Why We Go Silent The silent treatment works about as well as a rubber with holes in it… so why do people do it? In part, because many of us never learned how to actually resolve conflict.Few of us took a How to Fight Better class in high school. Instead, we got our so-called “lessons” in conflict resolution from loved ones who relied on ineffective (read: downright harmful) methods to express hurt, get their point across, or meet their needs. Indeed, many adults who give the silent treatment witnessed their parents give it when they were kids, or received it themselves, according to Hubbard.“When a child is frequently given the silent treatment, they may mimic the behavior of the parent and become the silent partner growing up,” says licensed clinical professional counselor Kristine Cain, LCPC, founder and lead therapist of Full Circle Counseling in Frankfort, Illinois.Conversely, some children learn that the only way to restore connection is to set their own needs aside and focus all their energy on appeasing the withdrawn parent. As adults, this tendency to prioritize someone else's emotional needs over their own may leave them particularly vulnerable to relationships where they repeatedly receive the silent treatment, she explains.When Your Body Hits the Mute Button Not all silence is a calculated, conniving attempt to control your partner like a marionette. Sometimes, it's a sign that someone's nervous system has gone into overdrive.In a society that teaches us to prioritize production over pleasure, pushing through over slowing down, we aren't exactly taught to tune into our bodies… despite living in them 24/7. As a result, people aren't always aware of the physiological symptoms that signal a need to step away from an argument, Panganiban says.She explains: When you're fighting with someone you love, your body doesn't necessarily register the disagreement as just another Tuesday-night tiff. “Our partner is the most important person in our life, so when we are in conflict with them, it feels like a threat to our safety and our bodies respond as such,” she says.When your nervous system interprets a disagreement with a partner as a capital-T threat, “a series of physiological changes begin to occur in your body,” says Panganiban. “Your heart rate speeds up, your body secretes adrenaline and cortisol, and blood flow to the kidneys, gut, and certain parts of the brain shuts off.” (This is known as flooding).These changes can make it harder to use healthy communication skills, like thinking clearly, listening openly, and responding empathetically. At this point, some people will respond by fighting Jersey Shore season one style, but others will go quiet…Silent Treatment vs. Stonewalling When someone goes quiet during a conflict because their nervous system has gone haywire, it can look a lot like the silent treatment, but it might actually be stonewalling. Popularized by relationship researchers at the Gottman Institute, stonewalling is marked by shutting down and becoming unresponsive during conflict, often because they're physiologically overwhelmed (a.k.a. flooded), says Hubbard.“Outwardly, stonewalling and the silent treatment may look the same,” she says. But the difference lies in intent. “Stonewalling occurs when someone enters into a state of diffuse physiological arousal and withdraws as an attempt to de-escalate and self-regulate,” says Panganiban. By contrast, the silent treatment may be a deliberate attempt to punish a partner, avoid accountability, or sidestep a difficult conversation, she explains.That doesn’t mean that stonewalling gets a free pass. “Stonewalling is harmful,” says Hubbard. In fact, it's one of the Four Horsemen, the conflict patterns Gottman researchers identified as predictors of relationship breakdown. (ICYWW: The other three are contempt, criticism, and defensiveness).What Do When Your Partner Goes on MuteSomeone giving you the silent treatment may be trying to make you uncomfortable, while someone stonewalling is trying to make themselves comfortable. Whether your partner has gone mum because they're giving you the silent treatment or because they've become so overwhelmed that they're stonewalling you, neither is good news for your relationship.Still, you don't need to know exactly why your partner is shutting you out to know that their silence is hurting you—and that you want to take steps to help stop it.1. Name Your Needs If you want to go the distance, Cain says it's worth being brave and naming how their withdrawal affects you.She offers this formula: “When you go silent, I feel ________ (worthless, abandoned, not good enough, etc.). My _________ (mom, dad, friend, ex, etc.) used to do this and it is very triggering for me. Can we figure out a way to communicate better so that we don't get to that point again?”Of course, you don't need a history of being given the silent treatment—or to unpack your childhood woes—to justify wanting your partner not to go AWOL on you. So, you could also keep it simple: “When you stop talking to me without explaining why, I feel shut out. I’d like us to work together to figure out a different way to handle those moments.”The goal isn’t to say The Perfect Thing, but instead to make it clear that their silence isn’t working for you.2. Play DetectiveWhile you can’t know someone’s intentions just by tallying their actions, doing so can be a helpful thought exercise that helps you figure out whether or not this is a relationship you actually want long(er) term.If your partner tends to shrink when a scuttles gets saucy, or has described feeling overwhelmed they may be familiar with flooding. On the other hand, if their silence kicks in any time you set a boundary, express a need, or do something they don't like, it may be their attempt at control.Hubbard also suggests taking a beat to consider how your partner treats you most of the time. Does your partner regularly dismiss you or make you feel responsible for managing their moods? If so, their silence could be part of a larger pattern of controlling behavior. Conversely, if they tend to shut down during other emotionally intense situations—not just disagreements with you—that could suggest they struggle with flooding more broadly.3. Learn the Warning SignsSo you talk to your partner, and they’re receptive as hell? Hell yeah, brother!If you and your partner—perhaps with the help of a relationship therapist, wink, wink—determine that physiological overwhelm is part of the picture, Panganiban recommends that you both get familiar with your personal warning signs.“Recognizing flooding can be tricky, but everyone has different physiological indicators, so it is important that both partners learn what those are,” she says. For some, the giveaway is dry mouth; for others, it's muscle tension; and for many, it's a racing heart. Once you both know the signs, you can make a plan for what to do when they show up, she says.4. Make a Flooding Ritual Technically speaking, a flooding ritual is a strategy for managing flooding before it leads to stonewalling. But even if your partner's silence isn't the result of a nervous system gone haywire, the underlying principle of communicating when they need space and when you'll come back together can keep silence from jet-setting you to Spiral City.Hubbard suggests picking a single word—essentially, a fighting safeword—that either of you can say to communicate that you need to take a pause, but will reconnect in 20 or 30 minutes. It could also be a nonverbal cue, such as a time-out hand motion, that communicates the same, says Panganiban.During the pause, the goal is to reduce physiological arousal by doing anything that soothes you, says Panganiban. “It could be deep breathing, going on a walk, engaging in a hobby, watching TV, or anything else that gets your mind off of the conflict and brings your body back to baseline,” she says.Panganiban says the most important part is returning to the conversation at the agreed-upon time, which she recommends be no more than 24 hours later. As Hubbard explains, “embedded into this ritual is the expectation that both partners will return to the conversation rather than leaving one person waiting indefinitely.”Of course, even the world's most thoughtful flooding ritual can’t do diddly squat if your partner refuses to participate. And if they keep pulling the silent treatment out of their back pocket even after you’ve told them how much it hurts? Well, perhaps that says it all…