Asking Eric: Why is my sister trying to sabotage our relationship with newly found half-siblings?

AdviceR. Eric Thomas writes the "Asking Eric" advice column.TNSDear Eric: My parents married as teens and had two children: me, and my younger sister, ‘Jodie.’ They divorced when I was two and I never saw my father again. My mother and her second husband were abusive to us.As an adult, I have maintained as calm a life as I can, and I have a husband of more than 40 years, two wonderful children, and a great career.Jodie has had a string of bad relationships and is always estranged from one or more of her children due to her own abusive nature. However, because of our shared trauma, I have always tried to be there for her.Now, a DNA test has revealed that we have half-siblings, whom we met last month. I liked them both. One was open about their past difficulty with drugs and alcohol but has worked very hard to change their life for the better.Jodie is jealous of my friendship with these siblings and is trying to sabotage it by doing background checks on them to reveal any sordid thing that has happened to them or their kids. Personally, I think we all have things we wish we hadn’t done, and people deserve dignity and the right to turn their life around.How do I proceed with this? Do I see them without Jodie and risk her finding out, or include her in our future get-togethers and hope she comes around? It’s still very early in these new relationships, and I just want to see if we have enough common ground to proceed.— Oldest SiblingDear Sibling: Jodie has things she needs to process about these relationships and right now she may not be going about it in the healthiest way. It’s not your job to correct or to manage that, so the best path forward may be to work on your relationship with her and your relationships with your half-siblings separately.Consider headlining this for Jodie by telling her you’re not as keen on the background checks but you’re not trying to turn it into a conflict. Tell her you’re taking a ‘live and let live’ approach to the siblings and while she’s free to keep doing whatever checks she wants, you’re comfortable continuing to engage with them in person and building a relationship.This way you don’t have to fear her finding out and you can try to mitigate some of the attempted sabotage. You don’t need to get her OK nor do you need to keep her abreast of future meetups.You can be there for Jodie while still keeping a boundary that protects your other relationships.Dear Eric: I read your column online on occasion and wanted to comment on the letter from ‘Phone Home’ who is upset that her grown children do not call her weekly. Why is it the adult children’s responsibility to call weekly? If ‘Phone Home’ wants to talk to them weekly, or even more often, why can she not call?I come from a place where my mother is the same age as ‘Phone Home’ and similarly believes our relationship is my job to keep up and all calls and visits should be at my effort/expense. I’m 54 and despite having a family of my own, I have been the one responsible for keeping up my relationship with my parents since I left home at 18.Meanwhile, my mother doesn’t answer when I call and calls back hours later, stating that she was ‘so busy’ with her friends. When I’m with her, she keeps her phone in her hand at all times and answers if anyone calls, so I know she’s willing to talk to some people when they call.Now that I have grown children, I want a weekly call with them, so I make sure to set up a weekly call. I found my email program has an option for video calls, so each weekend I contact them in a group chat and ask what day, and time is a good day for a family video call. While ‘Phone Home’ may not know how or want a video call, why can she not ask ‘is this evening a good time for a call?’ and call them.After 30 years of being lectured and told I was a ‘terrible daughter’ for not calling my mother ‘enough,’ I’ve realized that the phone works both ways and let go of the guilt of not meeting her calling expectations.— Phone Works Both WaysDear Phone: I’m sorry to read about the experience you had with your mother, but I appreciate you sharing how you’ve made it work for both of you. The phone does, indeed, work both ways. And, as a tool of communication, can help bridge the gap between what’s expected and what’s actually happening.Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His memoir, Here for It, or How to Save Your Soul in America, which Lin-Manuel Miranda hailed as “pop culture-obsessed,...