Asking Eric: I tried reaching out to my alcoholic parents after 12 years. Now I regret it

AdviceR. Eric Thomas writes the "Asking Eric" advice column.TNSDear Eric: I am an adult child of two emotionally abusive, actively drinking alcoholic parents. After an episode on their part, we were estranged for 12 years on my initiation.I did a lot of emotional work last spring to reach out and invite them back into my life. My mother immediately rejected me and relentlessly hurled insults at me over the phone. My father has been more receptive, however he’s extremely hot and cold.In my last interaction with my father, he called me an alcoholic and said I was disrespectful, unempathetic and that I am a villain to my parents. I have worked very hard in therapy throughout my adult life to not abuse alcohol or use it to fuel resentful feelings. I am an avid reader of Al-anon literature and daily reflections, and I try my best to attend Al-Anon meetings, but I am still struggling.Estrangement really, really hurts but the white-knuckle emotional roller coaster of what mood my father will choose to be in is taking a toll on my life. It’s also very difficult to be ‘close to the chaos’, knowing that my mother is there but will not speak to me.My parents are in their 70s, so in my head I live out the horror story of them dying while estranged from me. Any advice on what I should do?— Want My Life BackDear Life: A very difficult but necessary part of being in a relationship with a person who suffers from addiction is accepting that you may not be able to have the kind of relationship with them that you seek while they’re in active addiction. You can do so much work on yourself, but until they are ready and willing to work on themselves — and, later, their relationships — there will always be something missing.This isn’t to say that a relationship isn’t possible, but it will help you to adjust what you are hoping for, for your own protection.From what you’ve written, it doesn’t sound like the kind of contact you’re having with either of your parents is working for any of you. So, if you want to maintain some sort of connection, you might try changing the form of contact.For instance, you may decide that writing them letters at regular intervals, or sending cards on meaningful days, meets some of the needs you have. Acknowledging that they can’t be the parents that you need or want doesn’t make you a bad child. But it will help you to reframe what being their child looks like.Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His memoir, Here for It, or How to Save Your Soul in America, which Lin-Manuel Miranda hailed as “pop culture-obsessed,...