Are YOU worried about your partner’s spending? Red flags to watch out for and how to talk to them without fighting

DOES your partner love to splash the cash while you’re left worrying about the monthly bills? Sorry to break it to you – but it could spell trouble for your relationship. One in five adults say they have regretted spending more than they earned, according to research by Hymans Robertson Personal Wealth. If your partner’s spending is a problem, then you’ll need to read these tips from finance wizz Rajan Lakhani and relationship expert Dr Lalitaa Suglani. Almost half of singles say that irresponsible spending is a deal-breaker in a relationship Dr Lalitaa Suglani is an award-winning psychologist and eharmony relationship expert Credit: eharmony Plum’s personal finance expert Rajan Lakhani explains how to talk about overspending Credit: Plum And with one in five 18 to 35-year-olds having ended a relationship because of financial issues, money worries could be taking a toll on the nation’s love lives. Our money experts explain the crucial red flags that could indicate your partner’s splurges are becoming an issue – and how to talk about it without falling out. Whether it is designer clothes, tech upgrades, nights out, holidays, or “little treats” that quickly add up, overspending can leave couples feeling anxious, resentful and out of sync. But the consequences can go deeper than that – especially if you share finances or pay bills or a mortgage together. Excessive spending could be ruining your credit score and landing you in serious debt without you even realising AND through no fault of your own. And even if your partner is overspending their own money, it can still cause issues. Regular splurges may leave them unable to contribute fairly towards household bills, unexpected costs or shared goals, such as buying a home, going on holiday or saving for retirement. It could also force you to shoulder more of the financial burden, while different spending priorities can fuel resentment, secrecy and arguments, ultimately undermining trust in the relationship. But the way you bring up the subject matters just as much as the spending itself. That’s why we asked Rajan Lakhani, personal finance expert at money app Plum, and eHarmony relationship expert and psychologist Dr Lalitaa Suglani. Rajan is an expert at the money app Plum. He has more than 15 years’ experience working in financial services and energy sectors. He says his mission is to make money management simple and help more people build their financial resilience. Dr Lalitaa Suglani is an award-winning psychologist, eharmony relationship expert, international speaker and author. She has more than 17 years’ experience in mental health and takes a holistic approach that combines psychology and mindfulness. She is also the author of the bestselling book High-Functioning Anxiety. She says relationships reflect our inner world, and the love we accept can mirror how we see and value ourselves. So when does your partners overspending slip into something more sinister? From financial red flags to bringing your relationship back from the brink, we spoke to Rajan and Dr Suglani to find out how you can talk to your partner about their overspending and ways to protect yourself. Am I being over-the-top… is my partner just treating themselves? Treating yourself can become an issue if it starts affecting essential bills or savings Credit: Getty – Contributor We’ve all been there – it’s pay day, you’ve got cash in the bank, and you’re eyeing up a cheeky Nando’s or a new top to go to the pub in. But there’s a difference between treats and making problematic splurges that start affecting your essential bills, savings or your peace of mind. Rajan said: “There’s nothing wrong with treating yourself, as long as it’s a conscious part of your financial plan. This is often called ‘mindful spending’. “The best way to ensure you can afford the occasional treat is by putting aside dedicated savings for it.” It can be even more difficult to pinpoint when your partner’s overspending is getting out of hand if you don’t have a joint bank account and can see for yourself where the balance stands at. But if you feel like your partner’s spending is regular and impulsive, it can be a sign of a deeper problem. Rajan said: “When the treats become so regular they seem compulsive rather than mindful, or if your partner seems to not know or care that they are spending more than they should, that’s when they start to become a problem.” Ask yourself a question: is your partner’s overspending impacting the whole household? If it means you’re struggling to pay the bills or hit your savings goals you’ve set as a couple – like buying a house – then your partner’s spending habits are becoming a problem. If your partner’s purchases are causing anxiety, debt or arguments, it’s time to act. Dr Suglani said: “When ‘treating yourself’ starts to negatively impact shared financial goals, creates ongoing stress, or leads to secrecy and conflict within the relationship, it needs addressing. “It’s not usually about the occasional purchase, but rather a pattern of spending that affects financial stability, trust, or a couple’s ability to meet their responsibilities – that is when there is a problem.” I’m suspicious that my partner is a secret overspender… are they? Over hald of Brits in relationships have spent cash in the last year without telling their partner Credit: Alamy Sometimes it can be hard to know if your partner is overspending or not. Over half (54%) of Brits in relationships have spent cash in the past 12 months without telling their partner, according to AJ Bell. The average amount spent secretly was £2,158 in the past 12 months, with men spending more on the down-low than women There are normally always clues that could indicate they are quietly spending money they can’t afford. Have you come across stashed away receipts of financial documents, or noticed your other half leaving the room or being secretive when they have them to hand? Rajan says this is a classic sign of “financial deception”. He says: “One of the reasons why money problems can seriously affect relationships is that there is often an element of deception involved. “Your partner may hide evidence or even mislead you about what they’ve been doing.” If you notice your partner has made some big surprise purchases without telling you, it could be time to delve a bit deeper. Dr Suglani said: “If a partner is hiding purchases, credit card bills, or debt, it’s important to recognise that the issue is often a lot deeper and your partner may be carrying shame, embarrassment or may struggle to communicate what is going on for them because they don’t know. “Transparency is essential in a healthy relationship, particularly when financial decisions impact both partners.” Dr Suglani has first hand experience of this, having worked with a client whose credit card spending had spiralled over time. “They had kept the extent of their finances hidden from their partner and continued spending until they reached a point of significant debt,” she said. “When they eventually disclosed the situation, their partner was ultimately supportive and they were able to get the help they needed. “However, the initial reaction was one of anger and hurt. “The secrecy had broken trust, and their partner said she felt as though she had discovered a side of him she never knew existed.” We’re of course allowed to spend our hard-earned cash however we wish, but if your partner is hiding their splurges from you it can lead to huge problems – especially if they’re spending beyond their means. If your other half often needs to borrow cash, it could suggest their spending is not under control. Rajan said: “You may also notice that they are struggling to pay for everyday expenses or having to borrow money frequently. “This can be a warning sign that your partner has unhealthy relationship with spending.” If you have a joint account, keep an eye on income and outgoings – unexplained large withdrawals should raise eyebrows, especially if your partner clams up when you try to talk about them. If you’re married, it’s particularly important to keep a paper trail if you suspect your partner is falling into debt, as this can be used as evidence in divorce proceedings if things really escalate. I know my partner’s overspending is a problem… now what? More than a quarter (26%) of couples argue about money at least once a week, while 5% argue about it every day, according to Aviva. The key is to have constructive conversations about your partner’s overspending, and come up with a plan together on how it can be curbed. That’s easier said than done – but keeping in mind that you love each other and want the best from your relationship can prevent the conversation from turning into a blame game. Choose a calm moment, explain how their spending is affecting you and your shared goals, and focus on finding practical solutions together rather than criticising past purchases. These tips should help you avoid a row. Goals not boundaries Setting goals instead of boundaries can help your partner feel less controlled Credit: Getty Telling your partner they “can’t” buy something is likely to make them feel controlled. Instead, you should try focusing on what you are both trying to achieve. That might be saving for a house deposit, paying off debt, building an emergency fund, planning a wedding, starting a family or simply getting through the month without dipping into credit. Rajan said: “Rather than focusing purely on boundaries, I’d reframe this as setting goals. “Together with your partner you can work out what is most important to you financially, and then decide on a plan of how to get there.” For example, if you both want to renovate the house or save for a holiday, you can agree how much needs to be put aside each month before any fun spending happens. “This will be much more motivational than setting restrictions on spending without a reason beyond ‘because we should,” Rajan added. Try and agree on setting a spending threshold where purchases above a certain amount are discussed first. Dr Suglani said: “The most effective tools are often the ones that encourage openness and regular communication. “This might include budgeting apps, shared spreadsheets, agreed spending limits, or a combination of joint and separate accounts, it is trying to see what would work best as everyone is different. “What’s most important is that both partners feel involved in the process and have a clear understanding of their shared financial goals, responsibilities, and expectations around spending and the values around the money are aligned.” Have a monthly money check-in Organising a monthly money check-in can stop spending becoming a row Credit: Getty One of the simplest ways to stop spending becoming a row is to talk about money regularly. That way, conversations do not only happen when something has gone wrong. Dr Suglani said: “Open communication is fundamental to a healthy relationship, and it’s something many people come to value even more with age and experience. “So it’s perhaps unsurprising that addressing concerns early is so important”. Dr Suglani said it is common for clients to visit her for therapy specifically to talk about finances. She said: ” For many, the experience has been incredibly positive, but before seeking support they simply did not know how to have these conversations. “Often, this is because money has always felt uncomfortable to discuss or was never openly talked about while they were growing up.” Try setting up a monthly check-in where both of you look at bills, savings, debts and upcoming costs. A check-in could include: what bills are due this month whether either of you has overspent what savings goals you are working towards whether any debts need attention any big purchases coming up how much each person can spend freely Rajan said making money chats routine can make them feel less threatening. He said: “Make money management into a collaborative, routine discussion with your partner. “This will give you time and space to broach any worries in a neutral way and open up new avenues to improve things together.” Use separate and joint accounts wisely Some couples find it useful to have separate accounts for shared costs and spending Credit: Alamy Some couples find it helpful to have a joint account for shared costs and separate accounts for personal spending. This can make household finances more transparent, while still giving each partner independence. Rajan said: “You could have a primary joint account for these main spending priorities as a couple so there is full transparency of how the money is being used, and individual accounts for goals that are personal to you as you do need that space without feeling controlled or judged.” A good way to approach it is: both partners pay into a joint account for bills money goes into savings or debt repayments each person gets a set amount of personal spending money purchases over an agreed limit are discussed first This can reduce arguments because both people know where they stand. Don’t ignore long-term money issues In a relationship, it’s also important to think about the long term when it comes to spending Credit: PA Overspending can affect more than the monthly budget. If one partner’s spending means the other is shouldering more of the financial burden, it can have long-term consequences — especially around savings and pensions. Try and think about money as a shared plan, particularly if one of you takes a career break for children, caring responsibilities or retraining. It’s important to plan ahead and discuss how you can both shoulder the impact. Women’s finances usually take the biggest hit from taking time out to care for family members or children. A woman taking a five-year career break at the age of 35 could reach retirement at 67 with £69,380 less in her pension than a woman who did not take a break, according to analysis by Scottish Widows Only £16,061 of that shortfall would come from missed contributions, while the remaining £53,319 would be the result of lost compound investment growth. Compound investment growth is when returns earned on your money are reinvested, allowing you to earn further returns on both your original contributions and previous gains. The gender pension gap has widened to 32%, with women reaching retirement with a median private pension pot of £173,000, compared with £286,000 for men — a difference of £113,000. This is where you might want to consider saving money into your loved one’s pension pot to help share the load. One option is to pay into your partner’s pension to help share the burden. These payments are known as third-party contributions. You are allowed to pay up to £3,600 per year in third party contributions for someone with little or no earnings. This is made up of contributions worth £2,880 and £720 in tax relief. How much can be paid into a partner’s pension will depend on their earnings and pension allowances, so check the rules or seek financial advice before contributing. If you’re in a committed relationship, it may be helpful to think of your pensions as a shared pool of retirement money rather than entirely separate pots. Paying even a relatively small amount into your partner’s pension could make a substantial difference over time because the money has longer to benefit from investment growth. Scottish Widows calculated that contributing £50 a month from age 30 to 67 could produce a pension pot of around £91,000. A contribution of £100 a month over the same period could grow to around £183,000 by the age of 67. Starting later could still make a difference. Paying £50 a month from age 40 to 67 could produce around £46,100, while contributing £100 a month could result in approximately £93,000. These figures are projections rather than guarantees, as the final value will depend on factors including investment performance, charges and future pension and tax rules. Seek help If your partner refused to talk about money, then it could be time to seek help Credit: Getty If your partner refuses to talk about money, repeatedly breaks agreements or debt is growing, it may be time to seek support. Rajan said: “A partner who refuses to talk about money, or repeats the same bad behaviour over and over, can be really difficult to deal with. “Money problems are often tightly connected with mental health issues so there may be deeper issues to resolve beyond the financial problems like debt or overspending. “Enlisting professional help, such as a charity or a counsellor, is crucial here to make sure conversations remain productive and you can mend your relationship.” Help should be sought sooner rather than later if bills are being missed. Free sources of help include Citizens Advice, MoneyHelper and debt charities such as StepChange. Dr Suglani said it can also be worth reaching out to a therapist or relationship councillor. She said: “I have worked with clients who have ended up in therapy because one partner concealed financial difficulties or debt from the other. “In these cases, the truth only came to light after they were married. “Discovering this level of financial secrecy had a significant impact on the relationship, damaging trust and leaving the other partner feeling that their sense of safety had been undermined.” Private relationship counselling typically costs between £50 and £150 a session depending on the therapist’s experience and location. However, charities such as Relate and Marriage Care offer subsidised or income-related support, depending on your circumstances and where you live. How to protect yourself from your partner’s spending It’s important to protect yourself and your finances if your partner is overspending Credit: Getty If you know, or suspect, that your partner is overspending, it’s important to approach the conversation with care. If you do share some or all of your finances, using free budgeting apps such as Emma or Plum, or turning on joint account alerts – so you can see exactly when money leaves your account – can reveal inconsistencies. You should consider speaking to a financial adviser or free debt advice provider, which can tell you exactly what your rights and options are. StepChange debt charity and Citizens Advice both provide free debt advice services. Even if you’re not married, being a victim of financial cheating can have serious consequences. If you apply for finance with someone, such as a joint credit card or mortgage, they become what’s called your “financial associate”. This means that their credit report can also be taken into consideration if you decide to apply for a loan or another form of finance in future. If you’ve discovered your partner is financially cheating on you and you no longer want them linked to your credit report, you can apply to have them removed as a financial associate. The first thing you’ll need to do is close any joint accounts you have with them, according to Equifax. You’ll then need to ask credit reference agencies to place what’s known as a notice of disassociation on your credit report. If you are married and discover your partner has been keeping money secrets from you, your partner may be ordered by the court to give you a share of any hidden assets in a divorce settlement. If you’re not married, you could consider putting a cohabitation agreement in place if you live together or are planning on moving in, as this can give you some financial protection. According to law firm Stewarts, this is a legally binding document between unmarried couples who are living together, that sets out each person’s financial responsibilities and what will happen if you split up. It can include things like bills, mortgage or rent payments, bank accounts, debts, pets and assets like cars and property. If you split up and disagree on money matters, the cohabitation agreement can be enforced by the Family Court. You’ll need to hire a family law solicitor to properly draft the contract for you – although this can cost more than £1,000 in fees.