Archibald: This is what Alabama really needs in a governor

By John Archibald | jarchibald@al.comThis is commentary.Somebody once asked me why I didn’t run for office. Which, let’s be real, is like asking why Vlad the Impaler wouldn’t come to your weenie roast.Besides, who’d want to live in a place that would elect an unqualified blowhard who knows a lot more about tearing things down than building them up?Oh wait, what am I saying? That seems to be the fashionable MO these days. Keep talking about how badly things (and people) suck — especially those louts who won’t vote for you — and you don’t have to figure out how to fix nothin’. Except maybe elections.I’ve often wondered why people even want to be governor of a place like Alabama. All you get is your name on the “Welcome to Alabama” signs (and maybe a billion dollar prison), an address in Montgomery, and a relatively powerless office that inevitably turns into a dead end job and/or a ticket to jail. Or at least that’s what happened when we had an attorney general that gave a rat’s rear end about such things.Candidates always make promises they can’t possibly keep — because of convention and the constitution — and spend millions for a job that pays $134,000 (which sounds a lot better until you realize it has the same buying power as $69,000 in the year 2000). It’s a gig that seems a whole lot better than it is. Like, say, Editor. But that’s a different story.But a good governor could probably do a lot of good if they’d just make their own decisions, work hard, hire good people, and take their job — not just their title — seriously. I’m not really sure about that, as we haven’t seen such a governor since dodos roamed the earth, and not just the Alabama statehouse.But the act of governing shouldn’t be hard. So in the service of instruction, here is a complete and unabridged list of promises an ideal candidate for Alabama governor should make. And keep.1. I’m going to veto a lot of stupid bills.2. I mean a whole lot of stupid bills. I’m gonna line-item veto and pocket veto and wear out that “VETO” stamp on stupid bills.3. I’m gonna try not to embarrass you, unless you are embarrassed by the way I veto all those stupid bills.4. I’m gonna represent all of you, no matter who, if anybody, you bothered to vote for. Unless you come at me with some stupid bill. And then … “THWAP” (the seldom-heard sound of a stupid bill being stamped with my veto).5. I’m gonna appoint reasonable people on boards and agencies, balance the budgets, honor the honorable and ignore the ignoble. And I’m gonna veto some bills that aren’t even all that stupid, thereby tricking those pesky lawmakers into overriding my veto.6. I’m gonna examine all the evidence before I execute anybody, because I believe we owe them that. 7. Oh, and I’m gonna stay out of your lives as best I can. Unless you are a stupid bill.That’s all I want. It’s pretty much what Alabama needs. Is that too much to ask?John Archibald is an opinion writer, author and podcaster who has written about politics, injustice, and life in Alabama for almost 40 years. He is a two-time winner of the Pulitzer Prize and in 2024 was...