Active Listening Might Solve Your Communication Issues

Think about the last time you talked to your partner. The last time you argued. Do you remember what they said? What they meant? Or were you too focused on the way the small vein in their forehead pulsated when they were mad? Is it possible that while you may have heard the words coming out of their mouth, you weren’t exactly listening?Yes, there is a difference.In an age of distracting phones and short attention spans, it might not feel like a total crime to zone out a bit when your partner’s talking, especially if you think they won’t notice. Spoiler alert: They absolutely do notice. And when someone continuously feels unheard and misunderstood in a relationship, it doesn’t exactly create a loving, open environment. The only way to fix this is to be a better listener. This means actually listening.There are essentially two ways you might be interacting with what your partner says: you’re either actively listening or passively listening. The difference may very well be the reason you keep getting stuck in the same cycle of arguments.“Active listening involves demonstrating verbally and nonverbally that you have heard your partner and that you understand their perspective,” couples therapist Lexi Berard tells Cosmopolitan. This might look like maintaining eye contact, touching your partner (holding hands or putting your hand on their knee), and repeating back what you heard them say. Berard says this gives your partner the opportunity to agree with the summary or clarify something.And if you’re not actively listening, odds are you’re passively listening.“Sometimes partners think they’re listening, but they respond with shrugging, generic statements, or lack of eye contact, which can demonstrate to your partner that you haven’t heard—or, more significantly—haven’t understood what they’re saying,” Berard explains. You might even respond with something completely off topic.And when you passively listen to your partner, you miss the opportunity to really understand their perspective and experience—which can lead to them (fairly) getting defensive.You probably weren’t always not-so-great at listening. Getting defensive, feeling overwhelmed, or just being distracted can all lead to passive listening. And in an age of smartphones, constant notifications, and TikTok, it’s a wonder any of us can focus on anything. But that doesn’t excuse you from making your partner feel heard.“In a long term relationship, it can be really necessary to focus attention on your partner in meaningful ways to keep the relationship strong,” Berard says.How to Start Actively ListeningYou can’t just make eye contact and call it a day. Active listening is a real practice, especially if things like defensiveness or distraction are getting in the way of your communication.“When you’re thinking about how to defend yourself, you naturally tune out what the other person is saying,” Berard explains. “It’s a difficult, intentional act to focus on what your partner is saying instead of going inward and thinking about what your response might be once they’re done talking.”And sometimes, you might just not be in the right mental space in that moment to be an active listener. That’s okay! Berard says she highly advocates for people asking for breaks. This can sound like: “I want to hear you, but I need to calm down first,” or “I need to get in the right headspace to hear you.”But if you do ask to take a break, the responsibility falls on you to come back to the conversation and reinitiate it. Ideally, you should do this within the hour—but if you can’t, you should never wait for more than 24 hours.“Your partner probably took a big risk bringing up an issue with you, it’s now your turn to receive what they’d like to tell you without immediately defaulting to defensiveness,” she says.Berard explains that when couples come to her with “communication issues,” it usually means that one partner doesn’t feel understood or doesn’t know how to “get through” to their partner. By having “active listening” in your relationship tool box, these problems can usually be solved. And in turn, you’ll likely find yourself more emotionally intimate, less defensive, and more empathetic toward your partner.“When couples start practicing active listening, misunderstandings between them often decrease, intimacy increases, and they begin to more actively and effectively process disagreements and tackle bigger issues more collaboratively,” Berard says.So next time your partner says they “need to talk to you,” try your best to keep your eyes from glazing over, or coming up with what you’ll say back before they’re done speaking. Put the phone down, hold their hands, and really listen to what they’re saying. It might just open the door to a happier relationship.