A Surprise Notice From a Debt Collector Arrived at Our House. Then I Started to Unearth the Upsetting Truth.

Pay Dirt Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Pay Dirt archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions about money here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Pay Dirt, My partner of nine years grew up without much money and put himself through college with a combination of work and loans. The loans aren’t excessive—about $20,000—and he was paying them back on a regular schedule until he started grad school. At that point, he called his loan servicer to ask about deferring them while he finished his program. He was told that because five years had elapsed between undergrad and grad school, he was not eligible for deferral. (I’m pretty certain this isn’t true.) They also didn’t offer him any type of income-based payment plan that would have worked with his very meager stipend, so he just stopped paying. I knew none of this until three years ago, when a notice from a debt collector arrived at our home. I was upset but tried to be as understanding as possible; we were both underemployed at the time, so it didn’t feel as though there were many options. I reluctantly agreed to kick the can down the road. Since then, he has started a six-figure job, and we’re in a much better place financially. I have tried everything to encourage him and support him in dealing with his still-outstanding debt, but he avoids it at all costs. We’ve been to therapy, I’ve found lawyers specializing in student loans, I’ve gotten angry, I’ve been encouraging—you name it, I’ve tried it. He just shuts down. He says that I don’t understand the trauma that being poor caused him, and he’s right—I don’t. But this needs to be dealt with! Are there options I’m overlooking? How can I be a good partner but still ensure that he deals with this rather important issue? —Secondhand Student Loan Anxiety Dear Secondhand, Unless you have shared assets, this is really your partner’s problem to deal with. And a lot of people do avoid dealing with financial issues because they cause anxiety, so getting angry may actually exacerbate the problem. If you want to be helpful, you can offer to help him make the necessary phone calls—debt collectors can almost always be negotiated with—and figure out how to resolve it, but if you have separate finances, this isn’t your can to kick, down the road or otherwise. And it’s not immoral to have debt. You are correct that this is a problem to be solved, but it’s a problem that many, many Americans have, and not necessarily because they’ve been irresponsible. So the best thing you can do is help your partner figure out the logistics—if he’s OK with that—and stop thinking about this as your problem, because it’s not. Unless you do have shared assets and combined finances, that is. Then it could put your portion of your shared money at risk, in which case, you need to approach the conversation with your partner differently. He needs to understand that your shared money could be used to a collect the debt. It would also make sense in this case to do a little research into options for repayment. If your partner’s loans are federal student loans, deferment and repayment plans are often flexible and just a matter of negotiating with the servicer. If they’re private loans, this may be more difficult, but ultimately, the lenders want to be paid back something, even if it’s less than what your partner originally owes. It’s unlikely that the debt is completely non-negotiable. You may also want to think about why this bothers you so much. Is it because it makes you think your partner is irresponsible? Is it because you don’t have much or any experience of debt yourself, and proximity to it gives you anxiety, even if it’s not your debt? Your partner is trying to explain how this situation makes him feel—he associates it with the trauma of being poor. If you want to find some common ground on the issue, it would also help if he understands why this creates so much anxiety for you. —Elizabeth Spiers From: My Wife Spends Her Money On Hair And Nails, Leaving Me To Pay For Our Expenses. (July 7th, 2021). Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Pay Dirt, My spouse and I are in a very emotional disagreement about moving into a bigger house. I want to (and think we can afford to) and they panic about money even though we are doing quite well. We have a very healthy 401(k) and 529s, we have no debt except for our current mortgage, and I expect my small business to experience significant growth in the next one-two years. We are looking at a house that includes a rental property and the rental property basically covers the increase in our mortgage but our maintenance/utility bills will also surely go up. We have had to dip into savings and sell some stocks in the past few years to do things like take lavish vacations and do home improvements. My partner takes this as a sign that we cannot afford our lifestyle. I think this house is a good investment and a great opportunity. It is a great location in a great neighborhood, a suburb of a major city. To be fair, my partner works in an industry where they are worried they will age out and be laid off without warning. Do we need to be able to put money into retirement and college funds AND into a savings/brokerage account every month to feel like we can really afford this move? —Dream House or Nightmare Dear Dreamhouse or Nightmare, I’m going to side with your partner on this one. The first red flag in your letter is the fact that you have to not only dip into your savings but also dip into stocks to take a lavish vacation. I can understand the need to dip into savings for home repairs. That’s what those savings are for. But if you are selling stock and draining your savings account to take a trip, you can’t afford said trip. Yes, we all deserve to relax. But if you want to see the sights, you must start a vacation fund to save for the next one adequately. Red flag number 2 is that you’re basing this financial decision off your husband’s job, which sounds like it can be gone tomorrow, as well as the business income you “might have” in a year or two. You’re counting on business income you haven’t earned yet. I’m sure you already know this, but your profitability can vary from month to month. Low sales, difficulty retaining employees, and business expenses can all come into play. It’s great to hit your target income goals, but it doesn’t always happen. Instead of relying on what the next year or two may bring, divide your income from the last year by twelve. This will give you a more accurate picture of what your business is bringing in currently. I would discuss with your partner what financial stability looks like and then go from there. Maybe you can’t afford the home upgrade right now—but can revisit the topic in a year or two. —Athena Valentine From: I Want A Bigger House. My Partner Says No Way. (August 9th, 2023). Dear Pay Dirt, I have a very longtime friend. We’ve been friends since we were little. Sometimes we don’t keep in touch very often, but life gets in the way, right? She just had a baby and is getting married. She decided to have a destination wedding in a very faraway country. I am an assistant professor and I teach during certain times of the year, and that makes it very, very difficult to travel during the times I teach, let alone to foreign countries. She did not ask me when I was teaching or if it would be a good time for me, and ended up scheduling it during the semester, smack-dab in the middle. I originally decided that it was too impractical for me to go since I would have to be on a 24-hour flight just to get there, and then I would be able to stay only for one to two days, max. However, when I told her this, she completely lost it and said some things I didn’t appreciate. I felt so bad I said I would find a way to come. But now I’m so resentful that she is twisting my arm to go to her wedding. I get that she’s sad no one from her side could show up, and I’m one of her oldest friends. On the other hand, this is going to cost me enormous amounts of money and will almost certainly be hell for me, it’s an over-12-hour time difference. I feel like an emotional hostage here! What should I do? I feel like if I don’t go, she will be mad. But if I go, I will be resentful. —Tired Teacher Dear Tired Teacher, People can’t (and definitely shouldn’t) plan their weddings around one person. Of course, I can understand why your friend wants you there so badly. At the same time, she’s also operating within a fantasy if she’s assuming that everyone can afford to go to a destination wedding or even wants to travel that far for a celebration. That’s precisely why “her side” likely isn’t there, and putting pressure on you to attend isn’t OK. (It only makes it worse that she said hurtful things in the process.) As someone getting married in nine months, I do not expect any out-of-town guests to attend. If they can attend, great! If not, there is no pressure. They were still included. Attending weddings can be expensive, and costs add up quickly. It’s her job to be understanding of that. Personally, I’d rather risk someone being mad at me than spend thousands of dollars to visit another country for 72 hours. You can always do something to celebrate with her without being there, like chipping in for a dinner during their honeymoon, buying an awesome gift, or shipping a surprise for their wedding. (My maid of honor bought me Star Wars champagne flutes for our toasts!) Have a conversation with her to tell her that you acknowledge her feelings, but at this time, you need to bow out. A real friend will understand, and if she makes you feel bad again, you’ll know where she stands. —A.V. From: I Feel Like An Emotional Hostage Over My Friend’s Expensive Wedding. (August 10th, 2023). More Money Advice From Slate My partner and I made a lot of compromises when we bought a house together, from the location to how to split up our private spaces. I am a very light sleeper, while he sleeps like the dead and refuses to kennel his three older dogs or kick them out at night. The basset hound sleeps in his bed and it snores and farts. The solution was that I took the two bedrooms upstairs for my work, sleep, and sanity, and he took the two downstairs ones. This has worked for three years—until his daughter decided to get a divorce from her husband. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Personal Finance