A Field Guide to Hand-Provisioning Azure Functions and Container Apps

I asked the Azure CLI for my function app's hostname and it handed me back null. The app was running. The hostname existed. The tool whose entire job is to tell me about the app just refused to say what it was. That was the first of a week's worth of moments where the platform looked me in the eye and lied. I'd been standing up cloud services on Azure by hand, one small repo at a time, some running as Azure Functions and some as Container Apps. I do this solo, so each one starts as a hello-worl...