A Family Friend Was Just Arrested for the Most Horrible Reason. I Can’t Trust Anyone Around My Kid Now.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, My spouse and I recently learned something shocking: a (now-ex) close friend of many years was arrested and charged with possession of CSAM (child sexual abuse material). We never expected this, saw no red flags, and now we’re dealing with how to move forward. One silver lining (if that’s the right phrase) is that this person never spent time around our child, so I’m not concerned about that impact. However, I’m now questioning almost every person in our lives who has spent time with our kid, alone or with us. Babysitters, teachers, friends, other kids’ parents: if we didn’t see the warning signs with our ex-friend, how do I know my parental intuition is right about everyone else? How do I toe the line between protecting my child and being part of a village? I don’t want my kid to grow up being afraid of others, either. —Protect or Connect? Dear Protect, This is the moment to have an important conversation to have with your child about what they should do if an adult makes them uncomfortable. Make an action plan together. Teach them they only need to say “no” once and to follow their Spidey Sense when it comes to creeps. Remind them you’re a safe place to turn to when needed, and assure them there are others they can trust. Modern parenting is not for the squeamish. Now, let’s get to what this question is really about: How are you going to be less afraid of the world and all its inhabitants? Because unfortunately you won’t be able to keep your child safe from harm—there is a high probability that they will be beaten, bullied, assaulted, or harassed in their lifetime. Sometimes by people they know. The point is how to live through that and help your kids live through it, while staying on an endless quest for happiness amid these traumas, cruelties, and miseries. But you will get through it. Love your children fearlessly, and teach them to do the same. The risks of you having another predator friend are small, and you have to live your life accordingly. Be part of the same village. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Care and Feeding, I know that, broadly, ultimatums are bad for relationships. But I am at the point of seeing no choice but to give one to my adult daughter, “Annie,” if we’re to salvage our relationship. She married “Aaron” three years ago, and has gotten more distant from me and her father since. She used to visit every occasion (Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Easter, etc.) but now only comes for our birthdays and Christmas—the only times we see her in the whole year! She and Aaron moved states not long after they met, so it’s not easy to just call round. They have only invited us to their house once in four years. When I try suggesting things like overnight stays or longer visits, I am met with a bland, “That doesn’t work for us!” from Annie, and when questioned why, get excuses about work or plans with Aaron’s family. Last time they visited, things got heated. Annie and her dad have always had a tempestuous relationship—they both have fiery tempers and feel things deeply. Her dad got angry, telling her she sounded “like a robot” with one of her bland answers, and she exchanged a very pointed look with her husband before treating her dad to a false smile and saying, “Sorry you feel that way.” Her dad exploded, telling her she speaks to him like she’s a colleague from HR rather than a daughter, and he doesn’t recognize her since she married Aaron. Annie told him to shut his mouth about her husband, and her dad said it was a relief to hear her speaking like a person again, even if that person was still his “bitch daughter.” I told him not to speak like that, but Aaron told him to “get out of Annie’s face,” physically stood between them, and said he’d call the cops if my husband came a step closer to Annie. Aaron is a big guy (weightlifter) and very intimidating, while my husband is in his 60s. It was terrifying. Annie ran out and Aaron left after her, but only after shoving my husband into a chair when he tried to follow Annie. Annie called us the next day to say we should only meet in public places for future celebrations, where “things can’t get heated again.” I told her we never want to see her husband again. She said if we never see her husband again, we never see her again, so I should go think about what I wanted. Now I am devastated and don’t know what to say to her. My husband says we should hold firm until we at least get an apology from Aaron, but I’m scared Annie will follow through and not see us for a long time if we say this. But I do not want to be in a room with Aaron again after he shoved my husband! Is there a way through this that salvages our relationship with Annie, without trying to drag apologies out of my husband or hers when it’s clear neither will budge? I am heartbroken. —Adult Daughter Blues Dear Adult Daughter Blues, As is noted in your signature, your daughter is an adult, as is your son-in-law. It sucks that she’s grown up and become someone who causes you pain. But how much of this is actually her fault? What you perceive as her neglect, rudeness, and inconsideration appears to stem more from the fact that you and your husband despise Aaron and his meathead muscles. I’m sure they both sense that, and even though Aaron had no business shoving your husband, your retelling leads me to believe your husband wasn’t exactly an innocent victim. I don’t think there’s any way through this without extended detachment. I know your impulse is to control everyone’s feelings, but that simply won’t work. You have to accept that the relationship with your daughter has reached a chaotic and toxic breaking point. She’s not divorcing Aaron, even though you’re clearly praying for it. Now the only way to fix this relationship with your daughter is time. Patience and time. For now, don’t worry about your husband, Aaron, or even your daughter. Let this most recent incident thaw, then check in with her gently and respectfully. Tell her you love her and are thinking of her, with no expectations. Someday she’ll come back, but it won’t be on your timeline. Until then, keep your side of the street clean and be ready to re-enter her life with some more openness and understanding. —A.J. More Parenting Advice From Slate My husband and I have been married for seven years, and we have two girls, ages 3 and 5. The girls have always favored me over my husband, despite our efforts to show he is also fun and loving. My eldest is often unnecessarily mean to my husband, not liking when he tries to give hugs or help her with simple things, which really hurts his feelings since he loves her so much. She can at times be very disrespectful, which is addressed. While I don’t agree with her behavior in any way, sometimes when I overhear her conversations with my husband, he is also pretty mean. 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