12 Red Flags In a Relationship You Shouldn't Ignore, According to Experts

There's nothing quite like the early stages of dating someone new. The butterflies, the flirting, the staying up way too late texting someone you barely know. Everything's going great until they do something that makes you wonder: Wait, is that a red flag?Then again, according to the internet, practically everything is a red flag these days. Takes three hours to text back? Red flag. Still friends with an ex? Red flag. Puts ketchup on eggs? Believe it or not, jail.But there's a difference between someone giving you the ick and someone showing signs that they might not be a particularly healthy partner.“A red flag is a lighthearted and visual way of referring to behaviors or characteristics of a person or relationship that could become unhealthy or unsafe,” explains Golee Abrishami, PhD, VP of Clinical Care at Octave Mental Health.So, which dating red flags actually deserve your attention, and which ones are just personal preferences? Ahead, relationship experts break down the warning signs worth watching for, the behaviors that aren't necessarily cause for concern, and what to do when something feels off.What Are Red Flags in a Relationship?Simply put, relationship red flags are warning signs that someone's behavior could lead to an unhealthy or potentially unsafe relationship. Think dishonesty, disrespect, manipulation, or controlling behavior, rather than someone occasionally being in a bad mood or forgetting to text you back.And while the terms red flag and dealbreaker often get used interchangeably, they're not exactly the same thing.“A dealbreaker is different because dealbreakers are personal,” explains Abrishami. For example, someone not wanting children might be a dealbreaker for you, but that doesn't mean they're doing anything wrong. The same goes for incompatibilities, like having different lifestyles, communication preferences, or long-term goals.Red flags, on the other hand, tend to point to bigger issues involving respect, honesty, or safety. According to relationship therapist Adrienne Michelle, LMFT, host of The Audacity to Heal podcast, they're often patterns that reveal how someone treats others, including their partner.Of course, one questionable moment doesn't necessarily mean someone is a walking red flag. As Abrishami emphasizes, red flags are information worth paying attention to, not an automatic verdict on someone's character. What matters is whether concerning behaviors continue and how someone responds when they're addressed.Not every red flag announces itself with flashing lights and a giant RUN sign. Some are obvious from the first date, while others don't become apparent until you're months into a relationship. Here are 12 dating and relationship red flags experts say are worth paying attention to:They Don't Respect Your BoundariesSomeone who treats your boundaries like suggestions rather than actual limits? Yeah, that's a problem. According to Angelika Koch, relationships and breakup expert at Taimi, people who use charm, anger, or guilt to push past your boundaries are showing you they don't respect them. Whether it's pressuring you into sex or refusing to accept a simple no, your boundaries shouldn't be up for negotiation.They Love Bomb YouBeing showered with attention can feel amazing, especially when you really like someone. But declaring their undying love after two dates, buying extravagant gifts immediately, or pushing for commitment before you even know their middle name? That might be love bombing.Koch warns that excessive affection early on can be a red flag, particularly when someone uses that attention to rush intimacy or push past your boundaries. Of course, being really into someone isn't inherently suspicious. As Abrishami notes, context matters, especially when one person's idea of attentiveness feels overwhelming to the other.They Make You Feel Like You're Walking on EggshellsIf you're constantly rehearsing conversations in your head because you're worried about how your partner will react, pay attention, says Michelle.Abrishami adds that feeling increasingly anxious or uncomfortable around someone can be a red flag. Bringing up a problem shouldn't feel like preparing for a hostage negotiation.They Never Take AccountabilityEveryone screws up sometimes. The difference is whether someone can admit it. Abrishami says people who can't apologize without adding a “but,” blame everyone else for their problems, or refuse to acknowledge their role in disagreements may struggle with accountability.As Michelle puts it, “What matters most is whether someone can reflect after the conflict, repair, and change.”And if you're always the one expected to fix things afterward, that's not exactly a great sign.They Try to Control Who You See or What You DoThere's a difference between occasionally feeling jealous and deciding your partner isn't allowed to have friends. Koch warns that jealousy involving your friends or family, accusations about where you've been, and attempts to dictate what you're allowed to do are serious red flags. A partner who demands access to your phone, monitors your whereabouts, or tries to isolate you isn't being protective. They're being controlling.Their Words and Actions Don't MatchThey say they want a relationship but disappear for days. They promise to change but keep doing the same thing. Sound familiar? Michelle identifies a disconnect between someone's words and actions as a potential warning sign. Koch also cautions against partners who start out warm and attentive but become consistently hot and cold. Nobody's perfect, but you shouldn't have to constantly guess which version of someone you're getting.They Constantly Put You Down (Then Call It a Joke)A little playful teasing is one thing. Repeatedly making comments that hurt your feelings and then telling you you're “too sensitive” when you speak up? Entirely different situation. Abrishami identifies this as a subtle red flag because it can indicate that your feelings aren't being considered. If the joke is always at your expense, it's probably not that funny.They Blame All Their ExesIf every single person they've ever dated was supposedly “crazy,” toxic, or entirely responsible for the breakup, it's worth wondering why. Koch specifically flags someone who describes all their exes this way, while Abrishami recommends paying attention to how a potential partner talks about past relationships. Having a difficult ex isn't inherently suspicious. Refusing to acknowledge any personal responsibility across multiple relationships might be.They Give You the Silent TreatmentNeeding a little space to cool down after an argument? Totally reasonable. Refusing to speak to you for hours or days as punishment? Not so much. Michelle warns against partners who use silence to punish you, while Abrishami emphasizes the importance of returning to difficult conversations once emotions settle. Taking a break is healthy when it's communicated respectfully. Withholding affection or communication to make someone suffer isn't.They Don't Respect Other PeoplePay attention to how someone treats people they aren't trying to impress. Abrishami recommends noticing how a date interacts with servers, strangers, and other people they encounter. Michelle also suggests watching how someone treats people who can't do anything for them. Being charming to you while treating everyone else like garbage isn't exactly the glowing character reference they might think it is.They Make Everything About ThemselvesRelationships involve compromise, which becomes pretty difficult when one person thinks their needs are the only ones that matter. Koch identifies consistently prioritizing yourself at someone else's expense as a warning sign. Maybe your plans always revolve around their schedule, or your concerns somehow turn into conversations about their feelings. And somehow, you're always the one compromising.They Make You Question Your Own RealityIf someone repeatedly denies things they said, insists events didn't happen the way you remember, or makes you doubt your own perceptions, you could be experiencing gaslighting. Michelle points to statements like “that never happened” as potential examples of this manipulation. Occasional disagreements about what happened aren't automatically gaslighting, but deliberately undermining someone's sense of reality is a serious red flag.What Isn't Necessarily a Red Flag?Despite what your group chat might have you believe, not every behavior you dislike is a red flag. Sometimes, people just have different preferences, priorities, or communication styles.For example, Abrishami says taking a while to respond to texts, needing alone time, or having a close relationship with family aren't inherently concerning. And just because someone wants to take things slowly doesn't mean they're hiding something or aren't interested.The same goes for someone who's upfront about not wanting a serious relationship. “Someone being honest that they aren’t ready for a relationship can feel like a red flag, but I actually love when people know what they want and don’t want and feel good communicating it,” says Michelle.Of course, that doesn't mean you have to be okay with it. If you're looking for something serious and they're not, you're allowed to call it quits. That doesn't make either of you the bad guy.The key, according to Abrishami, is considering the context. Is this a one-time thing or something that keeps happening? And if you bring it up, are they willing to have a conversation about it?Can Someone Have Both Red Flags and Green Flags?Unfortunately, yes. People are complicated, and someone can be funny, thoughtful, and great in bed while also having some pretty concerning behaviors.“Green flags don’t cancel out a red flag, especially around safety, respect, or honesty,” says Michelle. In other words, just because someone remembers your coffee order and gets along with your friends doesn't mean you should overlook the fact that they constantly dismiss your feelings.Koch agrees, emphasizing that it's less about whether someone has positive qualities (most people do!) and more about whether they're willing to recognize and work on their unhealthy behaviors.And if you're finding yourself making excuses for someone because of all their good qualities, Michelle suggests asking yourself an important question: “Ask yourself whether you’re staying because of who they are now or because of the potential you see in them.”Because dating someone's potential isn't quite the same as dating the person standing in front of you.What Should You Do If You Notice Red Flags?So, you've spotted a red flag. Now what? Before you start mentally drafting your breakup text, consider what actually happened, whether it's part of a larger pattern, and how it's affecting you.Abrishami recommends identifying the specific behavior that's bothering you rather than immediately labeling someone a walking red flag. If you feel safe doing so, bring it up and pay attention to how they respond.“You don’t have to say ‘that’s a red flag.’ Saying ‘this makes me hesitant to move forward with you’ is healthy language,” says Michelle.Do they listen, take accountability, and make an effort to change? Or do they get defensive, dismiss your concerns, and continue doing the same thing? Koch emphasizes that someone's willingness to address unhealthy habits matters more than simply acknowledging they exist. After all, an apology doesn't mean much if the behavior never changes.It can also help to talk things through with trusted friends or a therapist, especially if you're struggling to see the situation clearly.And remember, there's a difference between working through ordinary relationship issues and dealing with abuse, coercion, or controlling behavior. If you feel afraid, controlled, or unsafe, prioritize getting support and making a plan to leave safely rather than confronting your partner. Michelle recommends reaching out to someone you trust or contacting the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for confidential support.At the end of the day, you don't need anyone else's permission to walk away from a relationship that doesn't feel right.If you or someone you know doesn’t feel safe in a relationship, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 to speak to a trained counselor.