10 things parents must talk to their child about before they leave for university

Going to university is a seminal moment in a young person’s life – and it’s a transition that can often be as difficult for parents as it is for their offspring. While there’s plenty to think about in the days before they fly the nest – from purchasing kitchenware, to essential tech – it can be easy to gloss over some of the most important and, at times, awkward conversations that can make the difference between your child leaving with clarity and confidence or doubt and worry. We’ve spoken to the experts to get their insights on the most essential discussions parents should have with their child before they take their first major step on the road to adult life – and how to do so without squirming. How will you manage your money? “Encourage your child to make a budget as early as possible, ideally before they go to university. According to our National Student Money Survey, maintenance loans fall short of living costs by an average of £502 per month – so, unfortunately, there’s a good chance they’ll have some gaps to fill. Having this discussion early on means your child can work out where they might need to cut back, if they’ll need to get a part-time job and, potentially, if you can increase your contributions. Shorts “One simple tip for budgeting at uni is to have two bank accounts. Your child should apply for a dedicated student bank account, used for receiving their loan and paying any big expenses like rent or bills. Then, each week, they can transfer a set amount to their second account, and use that for everyday spending. That makes it much easier for them to keep track of what they’re spending, and avoid accidentally blowing a huge chunk of their loan early on.” Tom Allingham, Save the Student What will you do if it runs out? “Remind your child that if and when their loan runs out, they have options. As an adult with years of personal finance experience, you may be wary of using your overdraft – but the ones that come with student bank accounts are usually interest-free and remain so for at least a year after graduation. This money is far safer, cheaper and more accessible than other forms of borrowing. In our ranking of the best student accounts, the size of the 0 per cent overdraft is one of the most important factors, because having the biggest safety net possible is far more useful than any sign-up freebie. “Of course, if you’re able to offer additional financial support, reassure your child that they can turn to you before borrowing from riskier sources such as credit cards or private loans. “And if they find themselves in serious difficulty, your child should also know that every university offers hardship funding. There’s no guarantee that they’ll get it – and they certainly shouldn’t budget for it – but it’s an option if they’re really struggling.“ Tom Allingham How much do you want us to contact you? “It can be helpful to agree to some loose boundaries around staying connected while assuring them they can reach out any time. “Timing matters: Ask when they prefer to talk. Respect that they might not answer immediately. “Quality over quantity: One meaningful weekly conversation trumps daily checking in. Focus on listening, rather than interrogating. “Digital balance: Text for quick check-ins: ‘Thinking of you’ rather than ‘Are you okay?’. Video calls for important conversations. Voice notes can feel less intrusive than calls.” Counselling Directory member Victoria Froome, author of ‘Starting University: A Student’s Guide to Mental Health, Wellbeing and Navigating the Transition to University Life‘ Making friends at university isn’t always easy (Photo: miniseries/Getty/E+) What will you do if you feel lonely? “Typically, during freshers’ week when there is a lot going on, there is a ‘honeymoon’ phase. This can be followed by a crash around weeks three to four when the novelty has worn off, academic pressure has begun and homesickness hits hard. They may cry, express regret, or ask to come home. “This is challenging for parents, because your instinct is to rescue them – but the most helpful response is usually to listen, validate and encourage them to access university support. Parents can reassure them that the emotional rollercoaster is part of the normal pattern of emotions (evidence shows that one third of students report loneliness). You can also help them identify what may suit them – societies, groups, structured activities or online communities. “Reassure them that they do not need to say yes to every single opportunity, and that it takes time to build meaningful friendships.” Victoria Froome What happens if you don’t get on with your flatmates? “As a first-year, the clusters of students living together is a lottery, so it makes sense that it may not go smoothly for everyone. Signposting your young person to the accommodation office can be useful. You can also reassure them that this is not a permanent arrangement and that, going forwards, they will be choosing their own flatmates. “There can be friction over different schedules, noise or mess. Encourage them to have a face-to-face chat with their flatmates, as this will often resolve things, daunting as that may feel. “Some students feel lonely or left out. This can be much harder. Encourage activities outside the flat, where they may be more likely to meet like-minded people.” Victoria Froome What does consent mean to you? “Talking about consent with your child might seem like a given – they will have had a lot of lessons on it throughout their time at school and it’s likely something they will have learnt about through storylines in their favourite TV shows and while scrolling through social media. University means a whole new environment and way of life, however, and therefore a whole new way of putting consent into practice. “A great place to start with talking about consent in the context of university is to get your child to think about what consent means to them. This can open up a discussion about consent beyond its definition; exploring the law, understanding body language, how to handle pressure and where they can go if they need support. “It’s important young people feel empowered to say no and to know they can change their mind at any time – this doesn’t just apply to sex and relationships, but also to going out clubbing, drinking alcohol and taking drugs, and hanging out with people they might not be comfortable with. Alice Hoddinott, media and communications coordinator and former education and wellbeing specialist, Broo Who would your child call if they find themselves in trouble? (Photo: Meeko Media/Getty/iStockphoto/iStockphoto) Who would you call if you were in trouble? “There will always be unexpected challenges at university, and most can be sorted out easily by talking to peers, students’ union reps, or the student’s academic tutor. For more serious issues, students should be encouraged to talk to family and friends of course, but beyond that, every university has a student counselling or wellbeing team, searchable via the university website. “Many universities also have a GP service on site or close by, for physical or mental health worries. They are experts in all aspects of student health and, most helpfully, in how university processes work should time off or a letter for the academic department be required. “The most important message here is not to leave things until they reach crisis point, but to deal with them early and effectively through whichever team seems most relevant. Students are often amazed at how easily problems which seemed insurmountable to them could be overcome by talking to university staff (for whom this is their day job!).” Dr Dominique Thompson, former university GP, TEDx speaker and author of the ‘Student Wellbeing‘ Series and co-author of ‘How to Grow a Grown Up‘ What happens if you or a friend have too much to drink or a bad reaction to drugs? “For some students, university can be a time for experimentation with drugs or alcohol. Try and talk openly about staying safe without being judgemental. If a friend has had too much to drink, or taken something and doesn’t seem right, the most important thing is to stay calm and stay with them at all times. Don’t leave them alone, even for a moment. “If they’re unresponsive, or their breathing changes, call 999 straight away. If they’re not fully alert, put them in the recovery position, on their side, so they can’t choke if they’re sick. Don’t try to make them vomit. Don’t give them coffee or a cold shower to try to sober them up, as this won’t help. “If you think drugs are involved and you have naloxone, use it. It’s a nasal spray that can temporarily reverse an opioid overdose. It’s safe to use even if you’re not sure exactly what’s been taken, and it won’t cause harm if the problem turns out to be something else. When the ambulance arrives, tell the crew everything you know, including any information you have about drink, drugs or medication they’ve taken. Calling for help is always the right call, even if it turns out you didn’t need to.” Gareth Balmer, harm reduction lead at drug and alcohol charity, WithYou What happens if you hate your course? “This is not an uncommon issue, but is entirely fixable. Decisions sometimes made a year or two prior to arrival on campus can lead to the realisation that the course you are on is not, in fact, for you. “There are very clear processes in all universities for managing this scenario, so it is really important to start conversations about options early, rather than ploughing on with a frustrating and unsatisfying situation. “The first person to talk to is your academic tutor, or someone in your academic department office, to be signposted to the next steps. “University Careers teams are also a valuable resource, and should definitely be consulted before a final decision is made about moving courses, or even leaving university.” Dr Dominique Thompson It isn’t uncommon to regret a course choice (Photo: Dmitrii Marchenko/Getty/Moment RF) Who is responsible for contraception? “It’s also helpful to talk to young people about contraception and their choices. Remind them that while anyone and everyone is responsible for contraception, if they’re prepared then they’ll never be in a situation where they don’t know what to do. All forms of contraception – including condoms – can be accessed for free from sexual health clinics and GPs. The morning after pill is also accessible for free from sexual health clinics, GPs and pharmacies. Making this a valid option is important – sometimes accidents happen (maybe the condom broke or someone didn’t take their pill on time) so it’s important young people feel empowered instead of shamed about accessing emergency contraception. “Remember, consent and contraception go hand in hand – your body, your choice applies to everyone.” Alice Hoddinott And, most of all… “The most important message any parent or carer can share with their young adult is that there is no problem that you don’t want to hear about. Remind them that whatever they are struggling with, you are there for them and they are never alone, even if you are many miles away.” Dr Dominique Thompson